I just wish to feel better now...

Ever since I last broke up with my ex bf 3 years ago.. I never had a decent relationship.. was heartbroken and used by all the people around me... I found myself growing quiet.. swallowing the loneliness.. I wasn't easy the past weeks that a lot of things had happen.. I turned misery and unsure.. I'm not myself anymore...

I can't hold myself up... neither I can trust anyone anymore.. everyone just keep lying to me thinking that I didn't know anything.....

No one seems to understand my situation... needless to say if there even is anyone..

Please let things be good again... Never been really happy since the past years... things just get worsen...

Whoever 'God' is.. if you wanna torture me like this for so many years... why not just take my life... I'm tired... I hate pretending...

I can't stand this loneliness... I'm desperate for attention...company...

What happen.....

Why do I deserve all this nonsense......

Early in the morning I receive a call ask me who am I... I was thinking.. Fuck it.. if you don't know who I am why call me..

Afterwards I've been flooded with messages saying that I'm a slut and that I've no guts just because I told her my part of the story and ignored to mention my friend's name when she asked..

Wasn't a very nice morning to beginning with..

Started crying whole day after hearing a song which is now on loop..

Went hospital to visit my mum this morning.. she was admitted to general ward and her face swollen like what -.-

Out of the blue.. a friend who doesn't contact me for years messaged me and chat with me.. till one point he say "fuck you. your stupid!" when I told him what's going on with my life... ya.. I wasn't suppose to have a good day to begin with...

NOW.. here comes stefan.. thinking I could mourn all my sorrow to him.. hoping he will be there to listen to me, comfort me, be there for me.. but NO.

when I try to explain to him what happen.. he says i'm talking singlish when I'm just using the word "don't" <-- which is not singlish!!

but he insist to argue with me.. I've no mood for any shit from anyone anymore as you can see I've a fucked up day... but you always like to ruin it further.......

so I don't wish to talk to you....

SO YA!! FML

Not good

Hais.. Recently my mum in hospital.. and I've some problems with myself... I don't feel like going to work at all... no mood.. completely...

and If not because I've to work so I've money to spend when Stefan is here.. and that I've to pay my court fee.... I wouldn't be working so intensively......

I feel that all my problems are constantly pushing me to give up on doing anything... just wanna stay at home and do nothing......... nothing seems to motivates me anymore...

when will this end...

FUCKING NONSENSE

I'VE MY MUM TO WORRY ABOUT SO STOP SHITTING ME AROUND!!!

I CAN'T TAKE NO NONSENSE ANYMORE!!

IF YOU HAVE NO GOOD INTENSIONS THAN LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Holding my tears and worries...

Yesterday, My Mum was admitted to Changi Hospital during a seizure at work..

She was scanned and shown that she has a big tumor on front left of her brain.. After my sister break the news.. I just start crying without my mum knowing.. But I've to stop so that my mum wouldnt start thinking that something is wrong, as we didn't want to break the news to her just yet. Not in her dizzy and unstable condition.

My auntie start telling me that she's been very stress and mostly because of me and it's make me heartache and cry again.. I couldn't sleep at night cause I was awfully shock, scare and worried..Very sad that she didn't even know her condition..

Today, She was transferred to Singapore General Hospital's ICA.. She looks much better and hyper now with steroids to hold her pains..Doctor later then show us the scan result and explain to us in details.. It was an unpleasant surprise to see my mum's tumor was covering 1/3 of her brain and was pressing her brain to the right.. Lucky doctor mention that the surgery has a 90% chance of success.

Follow on.. It's the moment of truth and that the doctor review her condition and the tumor in her brain. She seems fine and accept that she has a tumor in her brain. But I worried that she might seems fine but when she's alone she will think about it and cry or stress over..

Due to that it's ICA.. We can't stay over by her bedside so we'll have to head home.. I hope the nurses there will company her cause she wont be able to sleep with her steroids running..

Just very worried for her.. wish to be by her bedside now.. if not because I've work tmr..

I know now how its feels like to neglect things and kinda regret when things happens.....

Thank you for being there for me...