Plenty of things...

I'm having a rough idea of redesigning my room. Change my bed and get a new colour for my wall..

I wish you were here and staying together with me in this room like how we used to be... I miss you...

A picture of you in Ichiban sushi, when you picked me up from work and we went to dhoby ghuat and bought yourself a fighting fish..

How I miss seeing you standing across me in the bus interchange when I alight the bus... Will ever be anyone who would ever replace you.....

It's still been so rough...

I realises everyday I'm forcing myself to act normal and not to think about it.. But everyday I just can't stop thinking about him thinking bout how his doing... I called yesterday and his mum said his busy.. I suppose he didn't wanna speak with me..It's almost close to a week now that he got mad at me and ask me to leave him alone.. I don't know will I ever speak to him again...
I'm still crying almost everyday missing him.. He just don't know how much he means to me and his not a person who is easily replaceable.
I just had a long weekend from work and it's been very unproductive... Just staying at home.. In the empty room... My auntie visited and she was told by my mum what happen.. She ask me out of my room but I was reluctant.. She told me I look soulless and I couldn't even speak up.. I always try not to talk about things having to do with our relationship cause it will upsets me all the time.. Even just looking at a white person in a train gives me a big heartache...

I'm glad he got what he want now...the life he wants and never have to go through any heartache or post relationship depression. I wish I was as cold and heartless like him... Sigh... I don't know how long it's gotta last but it's been very very lonely... I really can't move on without feeling upset or thinking about him...

Not sure if he will speak with me again or ever think about me... Don't think he be watching my blog anymore.. But
I truly miss him and I'm still longing for him...

I still love you a lot Iain... more than you ever know...

Loneliness

I always wake up trying to look up your blog if you have any update or you get your account back... But everyday is just nothingness waiting for you to come on Skype.
Everyday when I sit in the living room the cold night breeze wind just reminds me of you and how loneliness I am.. Where are you...? Have you found someone esle?

Don't think you will ever speak to me again

I don't know how was your account. Don't know what you will be doing.. Maybe your back to your old habits maybe your just depress.. I love to help you with your bankroll.. Since I'm working now.. I love to see how your forcus in something that you like and make a challenge to your everyday life... Now someone just ruin it.. But I wanna make you feel better... Sigh... Again you just ask me to leave you alone.. Doing what you do best... Ignore

I still love you and I ain't afraid to show it

I guess I was stupid to be too hopeful for him.. Just as I thought things gets better but it goes to the worst..

Isn't all my post obvious enough about my longing for him? :( why do he has to accuse me all the time for the wrong reason..
It breaks my heart cause I love him but he speaks so negative of me still. Even today as a broken up couple... If he doesn't care why be mad me...
And whether his mad at me I won't be able to sleep well furthermore I don't think I would have a good day at work tomorrow... It will be horrible it will be horrible for a long long time.......

I was happy for once he was so eager to speak with me that he want to talk to me bout something hopefully his feelings... But he just came to accuse me to hacking his poker account...

What have I done? I told you everything but you won't believe me............. Saying I'm lying but all I wanted was to protect you... I don't want that girl to disturb you and take you away from me...............

Why can't you just see that I love you so much.........I want you back :(
But no you wanna do what you do best.... Ignoring me........

First day of work yesterday was a survival of being awake. By the end of the day when I finally sleep I was awake for 30hrs beat my personal highscore. Welcome from my previous colleagues was okay they wasn't looking anymore excited or happy. Still feel bit lonely sometime as I don't feel totally merge in yet. Rather awkward.

Iain also text me on Skype saying he stay up to watch true blood. As usual I told him I missed him he didn't reply anything. But he did say he will pop on once a while. He left Facebook as well which also I felt Facebook is becoming more and more meaningless. I suppose the trend in dying and so are we. Feeling more and more distance from him each day. All I see was just a picture of us lying beside my pillow.

I'm feeling isolated by society day by day, growing cold, really cold...

Watch two movies on YouTube today. Surprisingly YouTube now has full movies to watch. I watched 'Bagdad Cafe' & ' Chronicles of Narnia'
I like how english films are very scenic with nice soundtracks like ' Narnia'

Can't sleep still and not eaten since I'm awake. Playing DotA always give me very sharp shoulder ache don't know why...
I dont know how work is going to be like. I'm very very nervous. Normally you will be here to cheer me up and tell me that it be great. Saying good luck to me. Sigh...

Still missing you.. Wish you feel the same way too...

I broke down again.....
It's not easy when you have a whole phone full of photos more than anything else..

I just can't help thinking bout the nice things we do and the things he say.. Even back then we were arguing so much he will come online and speak with me the next day and things will be good again and he will say he love me and continue to be me...
Now it's never gotta happen again... :(
I wish all these is just temporary.. I don't wanna stop being with you :(
Wish we could go back like it used to be...

What have I done...

Trying a hairdo & messing with instagram

Not sure is a mistake to have let him saw all the entries. Felt stupid as he immediately turn cold and speechless.. Sigh..
Every time when I speak to him I feel scare. I wish we can speak more.
I don't know what to do..
Once in a while I'll always look into Skype. What's wrong with me...
I wish he can tell me how he still feel about me...Cause I know he still cares when he come on Skype.

I better be ready myself for work on Monday.

The search has end

I was force to help up my mum today and barely sleep for 2 hrs. I got a call this evening that my ex supervisor from Sentosa ask me back to work. Of cause that send me a relief that my search and empty waits are gone. Then again my supervisor actually go through a lot of persuasion to have me back in the team. He told me he just have a very strong feeling that I would make it this time. To be honest I'm kinda worried, I don't wanna let him down. Not when he done so much persuasion and putting his reputation at risk. Now I am really stress! I should be starting work soon either this week or next.

It's a pity how much I miss seeing Iain standing at the bus stop waiting for me when I finishes work :( I really miss him.. I still think about him right this moment. Silently waiting for him to call me and say he miss me.. just so heartbroken :(

The painful end of every beautiful story

I almost forgotten about this blog till Iain ask me which is the best to blog in.

Now it's almost a year...

So much beautiful memories took place and so are the bad ones.
Here today, Iain have left me. We broke up after being together for 14months. It was the longest relationship I have, the most amazing and the most painful.

I'm heartbroken and disintegrating at best.

I gave up all I have, no longer have my fortunate life of having PS3, MacBook, a decent job and a loving relationship.
I felt that my whole life was taken away from me especially the one I love the most. It always has to be this cruel isn't it...
Everyday I feel pathetic at best.

Whatever that is happening now, I've told myself plenty of times when things get down and crushing me. "Iain, look what you have brought me into."
Somehow deep in my heart I wish you could appreciate me more than left me at my most vulnerable period.

No matter the situation I have now or of how much pain he put me through...I still can't stop thinking about him, how I miss him, how much I love to see him again and being together..How much I wish you will take me back into your arms and say to me..
I love you, Claire...