It's chinese new year again...

I was never happy... during chinese new year... especially not this year...

My family is still accusing my of stealing money when I've been staying at home since I got back.. I've to call in sick for work cause I've no money for work.. I only got to go to work yesterday from the money my brother give me each time he borrows my iPad.

My mum ask me if i took money from the cat coin bank, the thing is I don't even know there was money in there in the beginning ! My mum asked my brother and he say NO! I've $10 taken from me and I didn't even say anything... So as obvious as it seems if i would've taken the money I won't be eat instant noodles everyday at home with water....

I can't stand this household... I can't stand everyone is treating me this way!

I don't even know what I'm going to say when my relative ask about my trip about james.... I just wish I don't break down on the spot....

seriously.... I wish to be dead....

every night when I go to sleep I ask myself If I die in my sleep will I be sad ?

the answer is always.......no

James...

Of all these time we've gone through together... and the things I've ever done for you but never anyone else...

This is what I get...

You ignore my calls... and decline them...

You don't reply my messages...when you said you will message me...

You left me hanging here... Not knowing where I stand...

I never got a proper answer... I never have a explanation...

I was never told what was going on...

Is this what I deserve... ?

I wake up scare every night knowing that you ignore me...

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!

will you ever speak to me again...?

I guess you probably didn't want to talk to me and is looking for someone online now to replace me like you've been when I was there...

Still I will wait for your call and messages....

I miss you

Everyday I'll hug it to sleep as it smells like you.. It makes me feel less alone..

the outsider in my own home.

I have to skip working today cause I don't have anymore money to take myself to work. My mum ain't helping me cause she's still mad at me for calling her crazy when she ask me to help her at work the same morning I came home at 11pm from a 14 hrs flight from England.

I can't help but feel so lonely that everyone is against me even in my own home. My mum is still mad at me for refusing to help her at work..
My cousins ranted about me on Facebook just because I might have left some utilises around when I was making food in the kitchen. They had a birthday celebration going on in the living room and I wasn't even invited...

I spent most of my time at home in my room, cause that's the only place I'm feel comfortable in without being nag from my mum or ignored by everyone else. Nobody talks me to even.

It hurts... to know.. even your own family in your own home hated you and annoyed at you. Maybe I deserved it...

No one will even know... if one day I die in my bed...

Its.. so.. painful...

" I don't know" says James

and that's where I stand for everything.

and all the respond I receive was agitated or in angry.

No matter where I stand in your life... even if you ' don't know' always remember
that I love you...

I can't forgive myself for all the things i've said to you...
you truly don't deserve it...

and I don't deserve you...

I don't like to wake up at late hours only to know the first person in my mind is you...
Yet having to remind myself that... I can no longer easily get to you... or will you even talk to me...

I don't know what to do...

I love you so much... but why can't you see it...that its hurting me

It's happening... The saddness has taken me..

I was really scared to sleep but now I woke up 3 hrs later terrified and lonely... This is what I hate the most... Please.. I rather just have a really long sleep...

James... I miss you...

strong one sided love

I've just constantly put myself in disappointment no matter how many time I try to bite it through and talk as if I wasn't hurt or affected.. But I know in the end I can only take this much...

James doesn't sound to keen to talk to me when I give him a ring when I got home. He was irritable and was using angry tone at me... Even if he said I wasn't annoy but I felt so strongly enough that I am... 

My greatest fear to being alone, but I never thought being alone cause you felt like everyone is annoyed at you and not wanting to speak to you is so painful it's almost unbearable...  

Nothing good ever happen when I come home...

I only find myself crawling into bed curling up and let the darkness swallows me..

You won't even sound keen to speak with me anymore,.. I don't know if I should even look for you anymore...You don't have any signs that you miss me or excitement to hear from me... It's really different when I last came home from Sydney...

I miss the then you... What have I done....

I miss you already...

There are so much things I have done for you and no one else..but it's just not good enough... And I'm just asking for a little love a little attention...

I'm starting to think if it's really worth it :( cause whatever I've done was never appreciate or seen. And I can't help feeling neglected for.. Even when I'm sick myself I worry more about you...

I wish I'm strong enough... I consciously know that all this is wrong but still I'm scare and hopeful... Please give me strength..

Being hopeful you've to always expect disappointment.. 

You've to be strong and hold it in and tell yourself it can be better tomorrow..

But I'm just feeling defeated....

This is all an act?

Will the curtains close when I go home? 

It's the last day it's the last night... I'm glad I was able to spend these short moments with you..
I'm scare of missing you or to even think that if I'll ever see you again.

I love you... But will you ever be mine again :(

I wish time will freeze and be able to spend more time with you even it's to the point of extending my trip :(

I found out I'm really just a bad omen in people's life... Throughout this trip I've lost 3 people whose been a big part of my life lately.. I can't help but to feel how much is of my fault to blame and feel bad for giving them such difficult time that they would want me out of their life...

I'm sorry I couldn't be normal and I always seems to have so much problems in hand.. I'm always hoping someone could be understanding and supporting.. But I just keep losing them..and I will only come to defeat myself into understanding others...

I don't really want to let people in my life anymore... I don't want them to feel my burden... Don't want to give anyone a reason to leave again...

I deserve to be alone...

No gain with courage

For the last few days I've been tossing in bed.. Thinking about us... Missing you...

Till a point I was afraid to wake up when I fall asleep... Waking up to the reality that your no longer mine and it just me in a cold lonely bed... 

I can't forget your face...

Today I finally got the courage to send you a message and even try to call you... I rang you up with my uk number.. You pick up and say hello.. It was a tiny moment of bliss when I hear your voice... But just after I said hello, could you hear me..?

You hang up on me...

You continued to turn off your phone when I tried to ring again...

I can feel my chest tightens and darkness crawls in...

I was just really really wish to see you again before I leave for home.....

I miss you really much...

But I can't help to understand now how much you didn't want me in your life anymore... I'm sorry for what I've done... But I guess there's no other chance since it has come to this...

It's been a long and painful fight for you... No matter how hard to try to have you again I lose you... It's my pain to bear...

But always remember that I'll always love you...

And because I love you, it gave me the last strength to let you go to find your happiness without me :( 

I couldn't let him know his good enough...

I couldn't lt him know his perfect...

I couldn't let him know how much he means to me...

I couldn't let him know how much I don't deserve him...

It's all my fault...

I wanna see you again so bad :(

Be able to touch you, feel you and look into your eyes again...

I really really miss you

The Boxer Rebellion - If You Run

is it really the end...?

I cannot forgive myself ever...

I miss you so much James...

please come back...

I got kicked out...

I still think a lot about the first night we met...

:( 

I can't believe my past has put myself in such burden and grieve... I get real sensetive and burst out of things I'm unhappy... Ever since I've burden everyone I've met... Every decision I made seems to be wrong.. Everything I've done out of kindness and consideration is also wrong... And the people I fight so hard for are they really worth? 

I've nothing but guilt for those I've burden because of my past and my selfishness...

Yet I'm doing my very very best to be in the best form, to live out of my past and for once, trust. I wish for the patience of people around me... I'm sorry for ungrateful ness I'm sorry for being so difficult... 

Will I ever be happy for once...............

I don't know what I can do... It's been a week... Still it's going nowhere... James still giving me the cold shoulder.. He refuse to be close with me ... Don't feel like his gf at all... Not even a friend... I'm just treated like a nobody...

I wish I know how to make him happy... But I fail every single time... My head hurts so much... I feel so desperate... I feel so trapped... We spent so much money and time together... And yet this is what we end up just cause of a petty argument... I don't wanna regret my time spent with you being like this... I love you... But I don't know what can I do... I don't want this... I can't help feeling that my days are so limited here but your just pushing me away when we can spend happy quality time together....

I don't know what esle to say but I'm sorry for being such a horrible person ... 

I do trust you and please understand I always say the wrong things when I'm angry... 

Please let's work this out together... 

There's only 9 days left... 

Help.. I don't know what to do..

I cook for you and I clean for you but not only you wont have dinner with me that I cooked you didn't say thank you. All you said was ' I didn't ask you to do so...'

I can't feel anymore neglected...

You didn't wanna talk to me... You didn't  even ask me how am I...

And when I ask you why not all you do is calling god...

I'm being house arrest...

I'm trapped with someone who didn't appreciate or even look at me...

I feel like I owe everything...

please stop i just want to be close :(