i hate myself of what i've become...

the results of the past...

i know i'm not this person... and i hate to be...

for i've met someone i truly love.. my past haunts me and i becomes insecure..possessive.. and fear of losing everyone i love...

i see its all my fault... sometimes i cant help it... i wont forgive myself if i ever were to lose iain because of this...

i'm so eager for his love... or maybe just abit of attention or just him saying he love me out of the blue...

i still hope he reads my blog...

sigh... things just keep changing for the worst.... im trying harder and harder... just to even keep him...

i trusted you.........

you say you wont be out late..............

why do you always have to put me in this position....

you were okay at first... you facetime me and text me saying love you....

i dreamt about you and i woke up.... i tried to call you but you didnt wanna accept the call.... and you off your phone......

i dont know whats wrong.......

i always believe you i always give you a chance, endlessly....... i always give you a chance that you wont break my heart.... i love you iain....

please come home........ you say you wont stay over outside again.....especially what happen to you........

please dont hang up on me............please............

dial tone and voicemail...is all what i hear...

god...if you ever exists..

i'm so tired of your sick jokes all these years....

everyone who i try to love hangs up on me.... left me crying every night and ignores me....

please...i just wish that someone to love me and not ignore me all the time........

i thought things will change when i'm 21 but it just gets worst and worst........

please..........

give me a chance to really feel whats love is than having to feel like worthless piece of shit everytime.........

i'm doing my best.... i try all i can......... please........

just give me the chance.....

i'm not sure if you find a pleasure hanging up on me all the time...

its sad sometimes you didn't let me have the chance to talk... even when i beg you...

i guess i've been at the lowest of lowest of what a human can be... i never begs anyone......

i just wish you could stay on the phone and listen... and that we sort things out.....

instead of telling me...nononononono and hang up the phone...

i hate this...... i just wanna make things right but you have to cut me off all the time making me feel horrible....

i dont know why.. but you can't seems to keep to your words.. feel your constantly lying which i dont know may be because you were angry...

its hurts me all the time... and it drives me crazy...

yes but you insist on doing it when i told you a lot of times and that i hated it....

thing is you always tells me things but you change it the next min...

i'll never know what you ever say was right cause you constantly telling me different things.. and not keep to your words..........

i never felt so low in my life................. and what i wish is just a little love from you....

its bad enough that i dont have you here...

i wish ive friends...

normal friends who i can hang out with.. who will ask me out...

i want to be normal....cause i think my social life sucks...

my bf think i probably too clingy cause i've no one else to channel my attention to...

maybe that's why relationship always fail on me.... :(

it's not fair for him that i've no friends... and when i do have someone i love i will try so hard to keep them that they gets annoyed by me...

getting insecure and everything that i'm afraid that i'll lose them and i'm all alone again...

............

........................i'm not sure if its the distance....

:((

i feel like i'm probably the worst girlfriend ever..........

20 more days

and i'm missing you.. most of the time i wish you were here right next to me..

i very much sense a very strong feeling of loneliness and the urge for you..

everyday it seems like there's a lot of events that i wish you were here...

to have you around and know that i've you in my life...

i miss you so...

i'll put myself down... just to hear you happy again.....

and just wish i can make it with you...............

:(

just cant describe how i feel anymore... neither did i want to make myself sound self pity like you would say...

i love you and i just wanna see you happy........

i thought i did be able to wish that how best it be to have to fetch me from work..

wish........

what i do get is coming home being insulted on the phone from work missing you... and cant wait to talk to you.. and instead you were piss and shout at me.. hanging up on me.....everything ready to say to put me down on an argue....

i dont want to fight...

is bad enough that i cant have you with me... but i find you further distancing away from me........

......................

..............................

.............

........................................................................................................................please.....

....................................

today i was looking at the photos in my phone out of boredom.. I saw the photo of us all happy and smiling.. It hits to me feeling bad and wondering why were we arguing all the time..we looked so happy in the photo that we don't look like we'll ever quarrel so often... i also wondering why will i argue with you when your so cute :x

hehe.. i really like your new haircut hun :) it's really suit you well and look good!!

your my cutie :P and I just wanna hug you so bad!

hehe love you loads muahs!

i miss you :((

it's so bad... I don't know why it felt so long till i can ever see you again...

i wish to touch you again and hug you...

as you said your frustrated with just chatting online all the time instead of being able to see each other and do things together...

please come soon..

sigh.. i really miss you.....

so many things running though my head...

what did i did wrong again this time... i just barely wanted to have a properly chat with you but you got mad at me again... hanging up on me again..

I feel like I always living the edge that I will lose you everyday...

You said we've been talking for 5 hours but most of the hour is either your playing poker that is not connivence to talk or we're watching movie... we didn't even have proper time to chat with each other...

I miss you and I just want to maintain our relationship.. I dont want it to just die out because we don't talk... I hate skyping too cause it makes me feel so far away from you...

It's soo hard..........................

I've tried to do everything for you giving it to you.... not did i never have a sense of apprication but I'm always have to be mad at...

it almost felt that you dont love me anymore and that your bored of me.. just waiting for the day you can get rid me....

maybe today i just a little irritated cause skype is not working very well i can't hear you clearly neither can i see you on the cam clearly..... it makes me feel even worst all the time when I look into my facebook and that my friends are bragging about their relationship....... it makes me feel so sucky that your so far away....... i just can't wait to see you again... .yet i didn't know if i ever have the chance to see you......

i always fear that when you say you be gone for a bit but never come back... cause it always seems to happen that whenever you say doesn't happen....

this time i'm not sure if you ever gotta come back now that you say you be away for an hour or so...

you know that i hate it when you hang up or me or say that you'll ever leave me...

you been trying to break up with me all the time and i always have to please you and beg you not to leave me for just an argument which also you said that you will never do it.......

I really confuse....... i really dont know what to do......

it's been really hard for me......

why do i deserve this...... i just wish you could just treat me nice............and love me.......

i never gets angry with you............................is it so happen that it comes to a point that i'm already the victim of the relationship cause you're not afraid to leave me anymore and that I am.........

I always try my best for you do what I can for what you want... but you were never enough.......... I never even want any back in return anymore cause it doesn't seems to you....

I really doing my best........

I want to make you happy......

why do you always have to hang up on me..... or to leave on an bad tone.....

I never feel so helplesss in a relationship before..... cause i love you so much........... i just keep trying so hard....... just to make you happy.............

i just wish you would know how bad i feel........ i pray that you even could feel 1/3 of how i feel.....

trying so hard for the person you love but all you get is anger...silent... and the risk losing him.....

............. maybe i'm just a loser for life.......... i can never keep someone i love...... everyone i love is taken away from me........ only those who hate me..... or dont give a shit about me............

i just wish there will be happy times for us again........................... i really love you................

i dont wanna get hurt........................

god.........please help me...................................

let me love him and that he would love me back..............i dont want it just to falls apart like that..... I want to have the chance to live with someone I love....to have a long term relationship like I always wanted my whole life....not having to fear that they will leave me the next day..........I wanna see you so bad.... I wanna see you come back to singapore.....................

one nice thing you say to me today is......' don't be sad'

i feel really good to hear that... for once in a long while i felt that you care....just 3 words...

i bet its not hard at all.... but it totally makes me feel good................. :(

i hope i get to talk to you later.........................................

i really wish i can have a good relationship with you.....................................................................

4 weeks from now..

its been awhile since i been able to touch you.. I miss the feeling of your warm hug and tender kisses..

I miss you really much and whenever I'm on my phone, my wallpapers make me think about you more.. it saddens me that it will still be 4 weeks till i be able to see you again.. its seems so long away.. I can't wait to hug you again.. and sometimes think naughty things with you :)

I wish you be here with me now.. and that it will be the best thing to have you fetching me from work after a long tiring day..

to be honest.. 4 weeks its not too long neither is it short.. I'm worried that anything could happen to us.. I've been really paranoid about a relationship and about you from the start and I like to apologize but I can't help it... :( I really wish I can trust you again.. I really wish you never have to be angry with me all the time again..

recently everything's been good.. and I hope we can continue to stay this way.. without any unhappiness or argument..

I'll will do my best to understand you and I hope you do too..

may we be able to give in and accommodate each other for the better..

I'm really look forward till the day that you come and i'm counting down..I hope the job can make the day pass faster :))

dear hun,

I may be really sensitive and paranoid nowadays but please bare with me.. it's nice to hear from you that you care and your constant assure of your love to me :) It does makes me feel better.

this is the longest days we ever gotta be apart and I wish it will be and never more.. I hate this feeling and I feel so far away from you it sucks..

I love you and I really really miss you :( It really saddens me sometimes to know you're so far away but I'll always try to keep in mind that when you be here in end of aug for 3 months long and hopefully longer.. If so happens if you've something in mind please do share with me hun.. I'll be really concern to know.. It's really nice to hear you slightly cheerful nowadays and I wish is that things is good for you.. I'm happy to see you happy :D

Sorry if my entry doesn't make much sense and very random.. I just had redbull today to keep me alive.. my mind is mostly empty without much thoughts.. hehe

I love you I love you I love you..

you're always in my mind.

i think my heart just stop for a sec..

first message i got from you today is that you got robbed.. and when i try to get to you after such long while..

i was told you only came home at 1130am??

seriously I don't know how to response...

1. Concern about your being

2. Mad at you for coming back home the next day..

i seriously don't know what you did the whole night... but it obviously not the first time and obviously we have talked about it and obviously you were sorry...

i dont know how to put up with this right now..

i wish i can talk to you RIGHT now so appreciate if you could answer my bloody phone call..

today you got angry with me again as usual cause I called you as im unsure what you trying to say in your message and when I texted back there was no reply from you..

i never know where was I wrong to call you.. I understand that your out with your friend.. but i just wanna get it through what you mean in your message.. and I miss you a lot.. It sucks enough that I couldn't be there with you and I've to stuck here..

tomorrow i'll be starting my job in sentosa as a hotline operator.. and the last thing i have from you is that your mad at me instead of your blessing and support for my first day at work..

i dont know if you realize that it hurts me all the time when you call me names..

I'm sorry that i might have disturb you from being with your friend but I don't know why do you have to be so mad at me..

there's a lot of times in the text saying i love you but you wont even say it once to me even when i try to hint you a lot...yes you got me confuse again..whether or not you still love me..

every time i think about our relationship i just wish.. so hard.. that it could be all nice and happy.. i wish you could show me constantly that you love me.. and yes i really love if you could say that you do always as well..

i'm trying very hard not to think about anything now... whenever i think about us i just wish we could be happy.. and that you love me more :(

i'm happy that you be coming again in a month time but it seems so far away...

sigh... just wish you were here.. now....

i start to get really confuse with our relationship....

i really love you iain but sometimes i feel like your pushing me away..

i care alot about you...

today i didn't sleep well..as i waited whole night for you to come back home when your say you wont be out long and be back like 6.30pm-7pm (UK time)

i waited and waited... slowly the same episode comes back to me that you said you be back at a certain time but you never..

i called at 11pm (UK time) your dad answered said you aint home yet and that he also acknowledge from you that you be home by 6pm

i went to bed at 7am.. i didn't sleep well at all.. loads of nightmares and i wanna turning and turning till it gets to 11am (UK time)

i called once again with your mum picking up we chatted a bit and she told me to call few hours later..

i tried very hard to distract myself till 2pm (UK time) i called again and was told by your mum you actually only came home at 1030am

i was shock .. thinking what the hell did you do outside the whole night.. its already 24hours that ive not get in touch with you...

it's getting too much...

i feel my trust being crush all the time... i always try my best to trust you but you always fail to keep to your saying and that i always wait like an idiot...

im so confuse now...i feel that i've no respect nor appreciated..

i feel like you dont care if i'm waiting or worrying..

and i know if i start telling you all these you will say that i worry too much and that you wanna do what you like to do...

if so... do you ever treat me as your gf and think a single thought about me and how i'll feel??

i'm so tired and mad...so mad..

i love you but i dont know what to do!

where'd you go...i miss you so

:(

happy 3 months together iain :)

I hope that we could be together for a long long time and hoping to move in together permanently cause skype sucks..i hate the distance between us.. its a good 4 weeks and here you have to go again.. never to know when will i able to see you again..

i feel like this 3 months together i've been through a lot with you.. its almost seems like being together for more than a year.. still there's so much things i would like to do with you more importantly having you around..

we're still aiming for this day that we could live together in this room that i'll go to work and you stay home and play poker..

i want to see you again hun and your barely away for 5hours..

this few weeks we've really good time and sometimes we have a bit of a fuss..

your the best thing I ever had.. it may not be as nice as before but it still is ..

today on our 3rd month.. i woke up feeling sad knowing that you've to go seeing you packing your stuff and we took a cab to the airport.. i wish i'd able to stay a bit longer together in the airport with you despite it our 3rd month together..

i took a cab home after seeing you off.. it don't feels the same anymore.. you would have open the door for me and we would sit next to each other and maybe holding hands and talk nonsense.. as i alight the cab i walk towards the lift looking at the chairs at the playground that you used to sit there to smoke and had a drink alone..

i came back up home.. walking into an empty room.. where you used to be lying on the bed playing with your macbook.. and also as i walk out of the room you would have been sitting on the couch reading the magazine or news paper..even watching tv..

it feel awkward and i felt so empty and lonely...

here i am just keeping myself away from thinking too much in this empty room without you..

i miss you hun.. i miss having you here with me for i know that you wont be next to me till sometime...

i feel so bad now....

i can't wait to see you on skype babe..

i hope you had a pleasant flight home..

It's sad when your far away and that I start missing you...

It's still sad... when your here now but your not close to me...

It's so hard...

I tried so hard to make him happy... tried so hard to plan the future for us and make things work again...to see each other again...

All I ever though of doing is for us.. for you...

But its so sad and tiring to see that you don't care about anything..

Dont even wanna talk to me ... or even be close to me and I tried to...

It's getting very one sided and It's so exhausting...

I want to be happy.... I want us to be happy... but you just wont care about anything...

I feel helpless.. I don't know what to do...

just feel like counting down to the day that I'm gotta maybe lose you forever...and i feel like i already lost you right now...

what ever happened to the iain i knew when i first alight the plane and the smile from your face...

i miss your smile and everything you ever once were that i knew of you..

where has the iain i knew gone?

all i see now is a fake smile and complains about everything and not giving a damn about anything..

i guess the hardest thing is to feel like you care so much about somebody... letting them know...showing them.. and they just turn a cold face at you....

i wish things will go better between us...

feel so cold....and confuse.......

I feel like a criminal.. whose accused for something i'm not.. and I'm tainted for life..

I feel like a victim.. helpless and no way of fighting back.. I felt useless cause there's no way for fighting back.. this is not me at all...

I don't know what to do but I feel sad and helpless.. I could only so forget about it..as I've no rights at all.. im in no position.. I'm just like an item..

I am threaten..

I'm confuse...

I guess I really don't deserve anything good in my life.. their all taken away from me..

every single thing..

I've admit the fact...

I'll let it defeat me for I could no longer fight... and I'll tell myself.. I've tried...

I'm scare....

There is a reason why I look forward for you coming back home to the UK.

It's so that we could have more time to chat with each other again.. having things going back to how it used to be....

It only the second day.. same thing... you said to be home by 2am but I waited till now 730am... your still not online.. I called you twice at home...

looks like your not coming online today anymore...

I'm really tired of all these..........you doesn't seems to repeat me at all with your words neither did you bother trying to get to me and tell me anything....

Dont know when will i eventually give up..... but I'm trying very strongly not to....

I'm tired

I can't help feeling upset all the time when you told me you will talk to me tomorrow when you didn't.. I'll be waiting at home near my macbook to hopefully see you online and be able to talk to you..

I'm really tired though for it's not the first time when you told me that you will skype or talk to me the next day but you didn't.. Sad to say maybe you didn't realise I was texting Shaun to get to you too..

Today, Shaun got angry with me and told me not to text him anymore. Many feelings comes to me and I started tearing..

I felt upset cause I hate it when people get angry with me. I felt embarrassed for I might still see him in the future but his annoyed with me .. I felt angry and offended cause if you've kept to your words and skype with me as you told me I would not have annoyed Shaun..

It sucks that I can't contact you at all..

I really dont know anymore when will you call me.. neither have I got the faith to believe you anymore when you told me that you will call..

It's been one week of constant waiting.. sometimes good when you did call but sometimes its just horrible..

I'm confuse bout your feelings towards me cause you didn't even keep to your words all the times so am I not sure did you keep your words when you say you love me..

But nonetheless.. without a doubt.. I'm constantly thinking about you and I do love you...

sucks....

its so depressing...

I found myself missing you everyday..

every waking day i will wait anxiously for you to come on skype or pingchat me..

today i was so happy to have a chance to talk to you and see you again..

but half way through.. you went offline.. and there's an outage in your island..

i was left hanging.. i was really upset.. i miss you..

i really wish for a nice chat..

you told me you be going for dinner and you will try to skype/pingchat me again..

its 1130pm now.. I don't think so anymore....

its really depressing.. that whatever i do it brings back the days when i'm with you..

i feel awfully lonely.. im stuck at home.. i can't get a job to get myself busy.. neither can i get anyone to go out with me or talk to me..

it sucks..

it's so hard for me.. i thought missing someone is suppose to be a wonderful feeling..

why am i so depress.. why do i feel so lonely...

i just want to be with you.. to see you .. or even hear your voice..

i dont wish to wait ... i just want to see you..

i'm so jealous i can't be with you when you told me how beautiful the place is and the things you gotta do there..

its not fair...

i love you.............

the most awful miss call...

you called me and I was away in toilet i didn't hear my call neither did i hear my laptop rings..

I felt so regret and for instant i thought im in shit when i saw a miss call on my phone..

I quickly looked into skype and you were just pop up 'offline'

I pingchat! you but apparently your not with shaun..

I then saw you message on facebook.. I quickly try to 'chat' you on facebook but when i click on you, you went offline..

I was so close.. way too close :(

I've been waiting for your call the whole day.. and I just missed it just because I choose to go to the toilet and go without my phone which i normally do :((

I'm so sad... I miss you so much.. I wanna hear you again :((

I can't stop crying.. I regret going to the toilet at the wrong time...

I'll never ever leave my phone again :(

I miss you so much iain.. please call back :((

wo bist du

loneliness fills up without you

without your presents nor your voice.. i felt empty and lonely to the max..

im constantly feeling for you.. thinking about you..

i hope you feel the same.. hope your thinking about me too like you said..

you said we would talk today.. still dont know if your going to or probably be to tired from

traveling..

its so hard i feel like crying..

i love you iain..

please let these 2 weeks pass soon :'(

Today I had a nightmare..

I dreamt that a family across my block are jumping off their window one after another.. In my dream i was scare as hell as in reality i hate to see those things happen either..

I woke up in fright.. and when I open my eyes I wish I did able to see you.. but I realize I was just waking up on my lonely bed.. still waiting for you to call me..

In past days like this.. you probably still be online or at least contactable on whatsapp.. that I can tell you I had a nightmare and maybe you tell me everything is okay..

I miss you Iain..

Please call me soon :(

I'm so in love with you..

Every time when we're together i feel like a part of you.

Every time when we're apart i feel like i'm missing you like crazy.

I'm constantly falling in love with you.. and even dream about you when we were

sleeping together having your arm around me..

we're together for just a month but to me it's seems like its been years..

We've been to London, Paris & Thailand and i still wish we could continue traveling together in the future..

You've done so much for me its beyond words.. To be honest you've been the nicest person who ever treated me so well..

All the things you did for me was great but I love you to know that all it matters is for me to be able to spend time together with you lovingly :)

I'm really looking forward to see you again in 2 weeks.. and by then I hope we'll never have to part again.. moving in together staying together be it in Singapore or in UK.

I felt so awful to be away from you..

I miss you so bad.. and I hope this will be the last time..

Claire & Iain '14/04/11

not happening again?

ever since i started working i've a lot of people being too nice to me. i'm not sure what it means but i'm afraid of it. trying to stop myself from falling for anyone so easy. it had been too painful.. i really wish things were easier to see. will i ever stop this paranoid about bad things gotta happen in the future?

just can't help feeling that people just come and go. i'm so afraid of losing people :(

also that i saved up so much and work so hard for the trip and in the end it wont work out again.i really wish it will turn out well.. would really appreciate a nice 21st birthday..

i kinda miss you...

hope you feel the same..

for my 21st

this year i'm gotta be 21 :) I'm entering the most exciting part of life. I hope.

so for my big 21st birthday this year, I'm planning to celebrate in UK ;) will be there for a week and everything will be planned out really soon :)

will also be taking a train to paris and something exciting for me is that the train travels under the sea ! something new for me. reminds me of final fantasy 8 :D

it's a MUST for me and will be visit thorpe park in UK where SAW- the ride and SAW alive is.. also the london dungeon and madam tussauds xD not to forget the big ben and london tower bridge etc. i really really really can't wait!

to my surprise my friend has already booked the train tickets and hotel. now i really can't wait for it. it's gotta be awesome birthday ;) best ever.

facebook lesson

note to self.

be aware of what you post on facebook when you have your supervisor in facebook.

was just asked why am i still not asleep, when i've to wake up for work in 5 hours.

but, sir, you too?

New Year, New Job

I'm so excited in the same time kinda stress. I just got a job at a hostel as front desk, but I'll be working 6 days a week. It my first time having a job that works so many days. I'm not sure if i'll ever handle it. Work starts tomorrow, Good luck Claire ;)

******HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011*******

my new year resolution for the year 2011.

1. Get a job.

2. Settle my bills.

3. Travel to a new country.

4. Go on a cruise.

5. iPad.

That's all for now :)