i hate myself of what i've become...

the results of the past...

i know i'm not this person... and i hate to be...

for i've met someone i truly love.. my past haunts me and i becomes insecure..possessive.. and fear of losing everyone i love...

i see its all my fault... sometimes i cant help it... i wont forgive myself if i ever were to lose iain because of this...

i'm so eager for his love... or maybe just abit of attention or just him saying he love me out of the blue...

i still hope he reads my blog...

sigh... things just keep changing for the worst.... im trying harder and harder... just to even keep him...

i trusted you.........

you say you wont be out late..............

why do you always have to put me in this position....

you were okay at first... you facetime me and text me saying love you....

i dreamt about you and i woke up.... i tried to call you but you didnt wanna accept the call.... and you off your phone......

i dont know whats wrong.......

i always believe you i always give you a chance, endlessly....... i always give you a chance that you wont break my heart.... i love you iain....

please come home........ you say you wont stay over outside again.....especially what happen to you........

please dont hang up on me............please............

dial tone and voicemail...is all what i hear...

god...if you ever exists..

i'm so tired of your sick jokes all these years....

everyone who i try to love hangs up on me.... left me crying every night and ignores me....

please...i just wish that someone to love me and not ignore me all the time........

i thought things will change when i'm 21 but it just gets worst and worst........

please..........

give me a chance to really feel whats love is than having to feel like worthless piece of shit everytime.........

i'm doing my best.... i try all i can......... please........

just give me the chance.....

i'm not sure if you find a pleasure hanging up on me all the time...

its sad sometimes you didn't let me have the chance to talk... even when i beg you...

i guess i've been at the lowest of lowest of what a human can be... i never begs anyone......

i just wish you could stay on the phone and listen... and that we sort things out.....

instead of telling me...nononononono and hang up the phone...

i hate this...... i just wanna make things right but you have to cut me off all the time making me feel horrible....

i dont know why.. but you can't seems to keep to your words.. feel your constantly lying which i dont know may be because you were angry...

its hurts me all the time... and it drives me crazy...

yes but you insist on doing it when i told you a lot of times and that i hated it....

thing is you always tells me things but you change it the next min...

i'll never know what you ever say was right cause you constantly telling me different things.. and not keep to your words..........

i never felt so low in my life................. and what i wish is just a little love from you....

its bad enough that i dont have you here...

i wish ive friends...

normal friends who i can hang out with.. who will ask me out...

i want to be normal....cause i think my social life sucks...

my bf think i probably too clingy cause i've no one else to channel my attention to...

maybe that's why relationship always fail on me.... :(

it's not fair for him that i've no friends... and when i do have someone i love i will try so hard to keep them that they gets annoyed by me...

getting insecure and everything that i'm afraid that i'll lose them and i'm all alone again...

............

........................i'm not sure if its the distance....

:((

i feel like i'm probably the worst girlfriend ever..........

20 more days

and i'm missing you.. most of the time i wish you were here right next to me..

i very much sense a very strong feeling of loneliness and the urge for you..

everyday it seems like there's a lot of events that i wish you were here...

to have you around and know that i've you in my life...

i miss you so...

i'll put myself down... just to hear you happy again.....

and just wish i can make it with you...............

:(

just cant describe how i feel anymore... neither did i want to make myself sound self pity like you would say...

i love you and i just wanna see you happy........

i thought i did be able to wish that how best it be to have to fetch me from work..

wish........

what i do get is coming home being insulted on the phone from work missing you... and cant wait to talk to you.. and instead you were piss and shout at me.. hanging up on me.....everything ready to say to put me down on an argue....

i dont want to fight...

is bad enough that i cant have you with me... but i find you further distancing away from me........

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........................................................................................................................please.....

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today i was looking at the photos in my phone out of boredom.. I saw the photo of us all happy and smiling.. It hits to me feeling bad and wondering why were we arguing all the time..we looked so happy in the photo that we don't look like we'll ever quarrel so often... i also wondering why will i argue with you when your so cute :x

hehe.. i really like your new haircut hun :) it's really suit you well and look good!!

your my cutie :P and I just wanna hug you so bad!

hehe love you loads muahs!

i miss you :((

it's so bad... I don't know why it felt so long till i can ever see you again...

i wish to touch you again and hug you...

as you said your frustrated with just chatting online all the time instead of being able to see each other and do things together...

please come soon..

sigh.. i really miss you.....

so many things running though my head...

what did i did wrong again this time... i just barely wanted to have a properly chat with you but you got mad at me again... hanging up on me again..

I feel like I always living the edge that I will lose you everyday...

You said we've been talking for 5 hours but most of the hour is either your playing poker that is not connivence to talk or we're watching movie... we didn't even have proper time to chat with each other...

I miss you and I just want to maintain our relationship.. I dont want it to just die out because we don't talk... I hate skyping too cause it makes me feel so far away from you...

It's soo hard..........................

I've tried to do everything for you giving it to you.... not did i never have a sense of apprication but I'm always have to be mad at...

it almost felt that you dont love me anymore and that your bored of me.. just waiting for the day you can get rid me....

maybe today i just a little irritated cause skype is not working very well i can't hear you clearly neither can i see you on the cam clearly..... it makes me feel even worst all the time when I look into my facebook and that my friends are bragging about their relationship....... it makes me feel so sucky that your so far away....... i just can't wait to see you again... .yet i didn't know if i ever have the chance to see you......

i always fear that when you say you be gone for a bit but never come back... cause it always seems to happen that whenever you say doesn't happen....

this time i'm not sure if you ever gotta come back now that you say you be away for an hour or so...

you know that i hate it when you hang up or me or say that you'll ever leave me...

you been trying to break up with me all the time and i always have to please you and beg you not to leave me for just an argument which also you said that you will never do it.......

I really confuse....... i really dont know what to do......

it's been really hard for me......

why do i deserve this...... i just wish you could just treat me nice............and love me.......

i never gets angry with you............................is it so happen that it comes to a point that i'm already the victim of the relationship cause you're not afraid to leave me anymore and that I am.........

I always try my best for you do what I can for what you want... but you were never enough.......... I never even want any back in return anymore cause it doesn't seems to you....

I really doing my best........

I want to make you happy......

why do you always have to hang up on me..... or to leave on an bad tone.....

I never feel so helplesss in a relationship before..... cause i love you so much........... i just keep trying so hard....... just to make you happy.............

i just wish you would know how bad i feel........ i pray that you even could feel 1/3 of how i feel.....

trying so hard for the person you love but all you get is anger...silent... and the risk losing him.....

............. maybe i'm just a loser for life.......... i can never keep someone i love...... everyone i love is taken away from me........ only those who hate me..... or dont give a shit about me............

i just wish there will be happy times for us again........................... i really love you................

i dont wanna get hurt........................

god.........please help me...................................

let me love him and that he would love me back..............i dont want it just to falls apart like that..... I want to have the chance to live with someone I love....to have a long term relationship like I always wanted my whole life....not having to fear that they will leave me the next day..........I wanna see you so bad.... I wanna see you come back to singapore.....................

one nice thing you say to me today is......' don't be sad'

i feel really good to hear that... for once in a long while i felt that you care....just 3 words...

i bet its not hard at all.... but it totally makes me feel good................. :(

i hope i get to talk to you later.........................................

i really wish i can have a good relationship with you.....................................................................