I hate the feeling that I'm no longer yours. And I can't have you just for me anymore...

I've been hesitant to speak with you often now, cause I kept thinking that one day you will sleep with someone and it will totally depress me......

I hate this friendship... A friendship of nothingness but constant feeling of rejections...... I don't want to be just a friend.......

Why do I have to be blame for everything... You always like to shout at me just because I wanted you to continue what you saying as you always don't complete your sentence..........

You know I always wanted to be yours and be with you again...... It will be too devastating for me if you were to be with another girl......

I dare not walk away as I want you so bad...... But maybe if its like true blood, you say ' as your maker, I release you '
And I'll forever be gone from your life........ :(

Why were you so cold... Hiding away all your emotion... I know when I met you.. You were this bright happy guy.. So caring so loving and wants the best for me.. For both of us..

Where have you gone...........

All along I've been waiting...

I've been hopeful...

That one day I'll be able to win your heart again...

I failed... So bad...

I'm sick of hearing about the boyfriends of my colleagues everyday, I'm sick of seeing them being picked up by their bf... I'm sick of lying to them that I have a boyfriend when the fact is I'm all alone pretending to be happy. So I could live a less miserable life.

All these have eaten into me everyday.. Making me feel more and more lonely... So is every time I hang up my call with you I felt so rejected..
I thought if I could act as if I'm normal we'll get well together again and you will give me a chance again... I hold on my tears cause you hated them I silence myself about my feelings cause your avoiding them.. I do what I can... To make you less stress about with me so you be comfortable with me again...

I love how you would still chat with me and we watch movies together.. Acting like we were couple again.. But just so deep down inside I'm felt horrible knowing we're not together and you couldnt care less about me...

I'll never make you feel how I felt for you.. You may hear or seen it so many times but you never understand that all of this were truth and its my true feelings for you... So please don't tell me that it's because our distance........

I put up pictures of us in my Facebook so you maybe would go back and look how much I miss us being together in those places happily.....

I miss you so much Iain........

I wish all of this is just a big argument and that at the end of the day you will say your sorry and you love me.............................

And I wish you would understand my love for you and that I'm waiting for you......

Wait for you to say you'll love me again.....

Your the best thing that ever happen to me.... Don't go....

This battle is difficult... I always felt like I'm losing...

A lot of times in the night I felt so cold and lonely that I wish I could vanish into the air..

Every night is just episode of me crying with a heartache wondering when were you be mine and that I'll be love by you again

It was an awkward night last night.. My colleagues wanted to sit around and have coffee after class.. So bout 7 of us took the bus to Tampines.. 2 of them parted and decided to go home upon reaching tampines.

In the end a colleague is meeting up her bf at coffee bean and another is on his way there .. In the end I've to sit with 3 couples talking about their engagement and their upcoming marriage... I just kept quiet at a corner to listen.. Feeling abit regretful that I should have gone home like the rest... One of them even ask me if I've ever had bf :/

Wish you were here...

These few days I just feel rejected.. Not sure exactly cause I'm going through the time of the month.. But I've been crying everyday for the pass 3days..

I felt a strong feeling of rejection a feeling like no one wants to speak with me or even likes me..it's a cold feeling..

I'm really hopeful that Iain and I would get better.. Or that he sounds that he wants to speak with me when I call.. Sigh... He didn't know he powers up my day.. I don't know how can I make him feel that this relationship is not over and we can still be together again...

He never fails to depress me every time when I say I miss him but he just say ok.. How I wish he could like me again... I still wanna hug him and hold his hands... I feel so lost and I just wanna cry all the time :(

It's been lonely as usual..

Why did I lie...? Why did I lie and tell them your my boyfriend when your not anymore.. Was it cause I can't face the fact that I've lost you.. that your no longer the person I could happily show our photos to happily...

A group of us sitting in a mini van, happily chatting talking about their boyfriend or fiancée.. I was told to show them a picture of my boyfriend.. I didn't say I don't have one but I show them a picture of us..
I felt good and proud for showing them a nice picture of us like how I always felt when I show it to my relatives..
Moments later.. Reality hits that you were no longer mine....and what I put up was just a lie a lie to make myself feel happy for a minute...
I've been missing you more ever since especially when I've lesser time to speak with you now...

Stupid.... I cried on my way home again today..

I just wish to be yours again...

I still love you....

Sometimes there's no point talking yourself out when your being accuse all the time... It makes me so mad that I'm so sick and that I wish I can turn into the bad person you think I am, so you be satisfy

Are your drunken words are just drunken lies?

I've been really emotional today.. Being at orientation watching a video or just lying in bed listening to iain.. I've this sudden urge to cry...

Now as I looking through my Facebook pictures... of us.. Kept me thinking.. Will I ever wanna move on from these most beautiful memories I've ever had...

I'm still not over you no... Thinking about you next to me while we watch the show together.. My arms around your warm body as you breathe in and out..

I always wonder do you ever miss me...
A lot of times I wish you were my bf still as I'm so proud of having you .. It's seems like my happiest

I never consider myself having a family.. It's a wreck.. I never felt close to anyone and none of them I will turn to if I've problems...
My mum will have a go at me whenever she comes home.. Nagging about how her business wasn't good blaming me for everything and accusing me for taking her money every time,when I never even sleep in the same room as her( my brother shares the same room with her) she always asking me for money when really I always can't afford to give her cause I know I won't have enough for myself at the end of the day. So sometimes it's tough cause then she won't help me either.

My brother is the abusive kind.. He used to beat me up all the time just cause its too eye soring to see me at home most of the days.. Recently I've learnt to be out of his sight out if his way so he won't ever have the chance to have a go at me...

My sister is the most selfish of all... She never really care about what happening at home.. When she still live with us, she and my brother in law will lock themselves in the room. Now their married and moved out they only come once a week if my mum cooks for 2-3 hours and pat her ass and go home. It's really rare for her to invite us to her house for dinner or what so ever.. She's alway have movie nights and whatever party at her house with their friends..

Sometimes it feels awkward being with them... Cause we're not truthy close cause nobody cares.. It felt as if when I was born I was told to call them my family when really there isn't any affection... I really wanna move out of here.. Far far away from Singapore...
I don't miss anyone in Singapore one bit.. Not even when I left to uk for 2 months....

Not being at work for so long must have me rotting day by day... I've been doing this waiting game for this job for almost a month now. It's getting a bit irritating... I've to wait two more weeks before my official induction...

Being off work having so much time on hand makes me think a lot... not really in a good way..
Plenty of times I felt cold and lonely.. looking at the other side of my bed wishing you were here..
wouldn't it be so nice to wake up having you next to me.. sigh..

I always remember to say I miss you before when you get too tired and we hang up.. yet I always hope for you to say you do miss me too... I'll still do as long as till i wont be able to speak with you again one day..
It's hard every time we hang up I've this thought that one day you will move on with another girl.. and there will no longer be anymore of our daily chat and movie sessions...

will there ever be a  day you will say you love me again... or even waking up to see you next to me...