every night i wake up... I felt extremely lonely when i night wind blows...

einsam ohne dich..

so allein will ich nicht sein...

mein herz brennt...

'Once upon a December' ' Together in Paris'

*sigh

never gotta happen..........

i can't breath...

feel like vomiting...

Merry Christmas

probably the worst christmas ever experience...

neither did santa wanna fulfill my wish but instead of someone's else...

i dont deserve all these...

i give up...

i'm sincere and i'm desperate...

...is this the end?

when i took up the courage to talk to you... you were just silents...

*fail*

sometimes i'm so eager to text you... but i'm scared...

i miss you so bad...

People think I'm crazy because I have a different life from anyone else.. and that I think different about life differently from anyone else.. I always have to hide my feelings to everything and showing that i'm okay when i'm really not.. If i don't people will dislike it and probably be mad at me and eventually leaves me.. friends doesn't exists in my life.. their all too busy for me.. no one talks to me or ask me out...

I really don't have anyone to be honest.. and I'm so sick of living like this..

Recently I've lost so much things in my life.. I lost my grandpa,my job,my regular sleeping timing,my health, my trip and someone i love.. this is probably the worst event of things that ever happen in my entire life..

Everyday i wake up.. i've no one to talk to anymore..i feel the whole world is isolating around me and i feel so lost..

from everyday waking up and staying up late having someone to talk to.. having something to look forward to is now gone..

i just don't know what to do anymore..everyday i dreamt about you.. everything seems to reminds me of you..

and i miss you........ I wish you could come back...

I find it hard to blog here. Cause apparently whatever i might write here magically become rumor in someone's school which will hurt someone and eventually hurt me.

Now I can't even blog even thou I really feel like it. What on earth is this about...

I don't know I felt that I've lost my privacy in blogging with jealous bad mouthing childish no life naive people with no sense of maturity

FUCK

Can't believe its happening to me again.. why...

I hate it.. definitely the wrong timing......

Christmas list & Black Ops

wow, never had such a long list of gifts in my life o.O

thank god its under control :)

Created new emblem for black ops!

Lates*t

3 more lvl to prestige!

*my blog entry is dumb

its alive...

whose ready for an unpleasant surprise

this year not everyone's wish is coming true ;)

When you feel like you lost everyone you love...

this maybe one of the worst feeling ever...................

feel so unwanted..............................

Not so good time..

As I thought I've finally waited for what I've wanted... Things go back to the same like old time..

worst though.. I'm so tired.........

GERMANY LOST.... NO....

My Series of Unfortunate Events, 4th July

- Late for work.

- Took a cab that cost $15/- only to know I am as late as taking train.

- Lost my iPhone volume button.

- Overheard a consideration of terminating me.

FML.

I can haz new long hair~

I just wish to feel better now...

Ever since I last broke up with my ex bf 3 years ago.. I never had a decent relationship.. was heartbroken and used by all the people around me... I found myself growing quiet.. swallowing the loneliness.. I wasn't easy the past weeks that a lot of things had happen.. I turned misery and unsure.. I'm not myself anymore...

I can't hold myself up... neither I can trust anyone anymore.. everyone just keep lying to me thinking that I didn't know anything.....

No one seems to understand my situation... needless to say if there even is anyone..

Please let things be good again... Never been really happy since the past years... things just get worsen...

Whoever 'God' is.. if you wanna torture me like this for so many years... why not just take my life... I'm tired... I hate pretending...

I can't stand this loneliness... I'm desperate for attention...company...

What happen.....

Why do I deserve all this nonsense......

Early in the morning I receive a call ask me who am I... I was thinking.. Fuck it.. if you don't know who I am why call me..

Afterwards I've been flooded with messages saying that I'm a slut and that I've no guts just because I told her my part of the story and ignored to mention my friend's name when she asked..

Wasn't a very nice morning to beginning with..

Started crying whole day after hearing a song which is now on loop..

Went hospital to visit my mum this morning.. she was admitted to general ward and her face swollen like what -.-

Out of the blue.. a friend who doesn't contact me for years messaged me and chat with me.. till one point he say "fuck you. your stupid!" when I told him what's going on with my life... ya.. I wasn't suppose to have a good day to begin with...

NOW.. here comes stefan.. thinking I could mourn all my sorrow to him.. hoping he will be there to listen to me, comfort me, be there for me.. but NO.

when I try to explain to him what happen.. he says i'm talking singlish when I'm just using the word "don't" <-- which is not singlish!!

but he insist to argue with me.. I've no mood for any shit from anyone anymore as you can see I've a fucked up day... but you always like to ruin it further.......

so I don't wish to talk to you....

SO YA!! FML

Not good

Hais.. Recently my mum in hospital.. and I've some problems with myself... I don't feel like going to work at all... no mood.. completely...

and If not because I've to work so I've money to spend when Stefan is here.. and that I've to pay my court fee.... I wouldn't be working so intensively......

I feel that all my problems are constantly pushing me to give up on doing anything... just wanna stay at home and do nothing......... nothing seems to motivates me anymore...

when will this end...

FUCKING NONSENSE

I'VE MY MUM TO WORRY ABOUT SO STOP SHITTING ME AROUND!!!

I CAN'T TAKE NO NONSENSE ANYMORE!!

IF YOU HAVE NO GOOD INTENSIONS THAN LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Holding my tears and worries...

Yesterday, My Mum was admitted to Changi Hospital during a seizure at work..

She was scanned and shown that she has a big tumor on front left of her brain.. After my sister break the news.. I just start crying without my mum knowing.. But I've to stop so that my mum wouldnt start thinking that something is wrong, as we didn't want to break the news to her just yet. Not in her dizzy and unstable condition.

My auntie start telling me that she's been very stress and mostly because of me and it's make me heartache and cry again.. I couldn't sleep at night cause I was awfully shock, scare and worried..Very sad that she didn't even know her condition..

Today, She was transferred to Singapore General Hospital's ICA.. She looks much better and hyper now with steroids to hold her pains..Doctor later then show us the scan result and explain to us in details.. It was an unpleasant surprise to see my mum's tumor was covering 1/3 of her brain and was pressing her brain to the right.. Lucky doctor mention that the surgery has a 90% chance of success.

Follow on.. It's the moment of truth and that the doctor review her condition and the tumor in her brain. She seems fine and accept that she has a tumor in her brain. But I worried that she might seems fine but when she's alone she will think about it and cry or stress over..

Due to that it's ICA.. We can't stay over by her bedside so we'll have to head home.. I hope the nurses there will company her cause she wont be able to sleep with her steroids running..

Just very worried for her.. wish to be by her bedside now.. if not because I've work tmr..

I know now how its feels like to neglect things and kinda regret when things happens.....

Thank you for being there for me...

Things been upsetting...

We've our problems all the time...

It makes me kinda scare to talk to you sometimes....

It's always seems like we easily mistaken each other and got into rage....

Every night I sacrifices my time just to savage us despite having to wake up in a few hours time...

I don't know what to do... I tried not to be angry... and talk to you nicely...

But your always mad at me...

Leaving me when I'm upset...

Your negative words makes me sad... and wanna give up...

and somehow... helpless...

I LOVE YOU

ALWAYYYYSSSS!!!

Now I know...

Now I know how it's like to be speechless.. afraid that whatever that i'm gotta say will be wrong and makes things worst...

Feeling better :)

I've kinda let go of everything that's bothering me before my trip.. Feeling slightly better now and my point of view have change a little..

My latest trip to Germany is AWEEESOOMMEE.. I had Good times and Really Bad times :(

And my trip was extended to 4 weeks due to the volcanic ash clouds.. It was all worth it!! I've a great companion with me 24/7 during this trip, shouldn't complain about how slow the translation is but I miss my companion so much :)

Returning to Singapore makes me realize how lonely I am again.. Feeling sick now now probably due to climate change.. :( suck

Sometimes....

....

..

.

I feel like moving out to Germany but sadly my Deutsch sucks :(

I'm pretty sure I will be back to Germany again this year.. It's like my second home now :)

But..But..But.. You have to come over to Singapore to visit me first >:)

My companion ♥

* Will update more about the trip in next entry

Happy Birthday to me!

hmmm.. my phone is awkwardly silent..

This may be the last chance...

Packing my luggage for tomorrow. It's gotta be my birthday and so It's the day I fly off to Germany.

I wonder if you will show up tomorrow or is it just gotta be another excuse and a lonely birthday.

But I've see things has change and so do I... I'm done trying.

Never been this fucking miserable in my life for sooooooooooo fucking long!!

WTF!

Why can't I survive a day without crying! fucking weak piece of shit...

Birthday Wishlist

My birthday is coming up in ten days!!*hint hint*

- Universal Studio: Singapore ticket*

- God of War 3**

- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2*

- Heavy Rain*

- Playstation 3 Controller

Please Stop...

It really took me to the extend that I just wish EVERYTHING could end now.......

So speechless...

Recently... I seem to be really fragile and how easily people could make me cry..

Is it that I'm tired?

Is it that I've met my limit that I just feels like giving up hope?

I don't see myself anymore being strong every time I came victim by someone in my everyday life..

Is it cause of the intense stress and problem people are giving me everyday?

For now I've seen that I'm too weak to fight no more.. and I'm all by myself..

Life is too hush on me.. and I'll let it defeat me... I could no longer fight...

I could only tell myself.. I've tried...

And I wish... that this torment will end and I can finally be with someone I love without losing them...

Life's a bitch

Trust is like a mirror..

You can fix it if it's broken...

But you can still see the crack of that Motherfucker's reflection...

♥ Lady Gaga

Timotei~

I can haz short ash brown hair o.O

OMGZ! I've just cut my hair out of boredom and I dye my hair again =x It's super short!! Well, not as short as I used to have cut but still very not used to it :(

Overall I don't really think it's ugly.. I don't mind how it looks but I really mind how other people think it looks..

Don't worry.. hair will grow back. Just stay with this hairstyle for awhile..

What I like to ask a lot now is.... " Does my hair look better before or now?" xD

Purchased my first Air ticket..

Yay~ I'm going overseas again! This is my first time using my own money to buy air ticket.. heart pain to see my money gone like that.. I didn't manage to grab the cheap fares and this is the best I can get after spending one whole day xD Roti for the rest of the month liao... *sobs*

Will be going to Germany, Amsterdam & Belgium.. Be celebrating my birthday twice!!

It'll be awesooome~~~!!

*evil grin* must watch live porn show in Amsterdam this time.. muahhahaha

It all comes back that things has changed and I'm alone again...

This boring entry...

Today, I sent my Macbook to the Apple Service Centre as there seems to be some battery problem. Haha.. My warranty is due in 3 days so quite lucky I can get my battery replace in time.

Now my Macbook is running without battery... :(

I heart my Macbook :)

You never change...

Good Charlotte - Predictable

Something isn't right
I can feel it again, feel it again
This isn't the first time
That you left me waiting
Sad excuses and false hopes high
I saw this coming still I don't know why
I let you in

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (somethings always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

So take your empty words
Your broken promises
And all the time you stole
Cause I am done with this
I could give it away, give it away
I'm doing everything I should of
And now I'm making a change
I'm living today
I'm giving back what you gave me
I don't need anything

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (somethings always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

Everywhere I go
everyone i meet
Every time I try to fall in love
They all want to know why I'm so broken?
Why am I so cold?
Why I'm so hard inside?
Why am I scared?
What am I afraid of?
I don't even know
This story's never had an end
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been hoping
I've been dreaming you would come back
But I know the ending of this story...
You're never coming back
Never..never..never..[echo].....

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (somethings always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

Everywhere I go
for the rest of my life
Everyone I love(so predictable)
Everyone I care about
They all wanna know what's wrong with me
i know what it is(so predictable) and I'm ending this right NOW!

I.hate.people.who.post.how.they.fucking.love.their.gf/bf.on.Facebook

It's stings me every time I read such post.. Yes! I'm practically jealous.. WTF

Every time I read those post makes me feel like a fucking loser.. Maybe I really am o.O

No, I don't feel happy for those people cause I'm not happy at all...

Fuck you people! Sometimes I feel like quitting Facebook cause of you guys...

my past still haunts me... scaring me to tears.. It never leaves me like a scar... always reminding me of times I'm going through now... felt so scare... lonely.. and helpless...

So you lied... and I cried..

Always in my mind.. when will this ever gotta end? When will there be truth to all this that is happening... That you've been hiding and I've been trying to find out...

You may have felt this feeling of lost and suffering for just a month when I'm alway...

But I've be exactly like this for 6 months...

Still thinking... What do you want from me? Could there be this one day... You will come up to me and tell me everything...?

Planning for a Hair cut..

Should I cut my hair for Chinese New Year? mmmm...

I'm thinking of something like this...

long bob.. whatcha say?

mehh... Chinese New Year coming next weekend le loh!! I haven't given buy any clothes yet or do anything for it xD lol..

k need to do something soon.. either start off with clothes or hair.. I'm looking to go for a floral vintage style this new year.. should be awesome! x3

No life in Cafe World

Yup, I've just revamped my Cafe world.. I've been on Facebook very often and playing this a lot lols.. Guilty for having no life.. xD

I want nothing more...

I want to love you and want to continue loving you but I'm too tired.. tired of seeing each other like a fairy tale.. I should have run long long time ago but now I've a part of you in me.. I really wish this is the last thing I've to go through with you.. I want nothing more.. If we were mean to be,we would one day.. But maybe not this time..

I just feel like running away.. after all these is settled...

You could peacefully be together with your gf without hiding and I could stop all the heartaches waiting for you..

It's really the best for us...

life sure is unfair...*

Maybe she really needs to know how lucky she is... You went back to her while she cries when you tried to leave her... saying you don't wanna create a scene...

...why doesn't my ex bf came back to me when i was crying and running after him... but instead he pull my hair and throw me onto the floor...and make a big scene as my head hit the curb and bleeds like a crime scene......

sometimes... it really comes to my sense that why have I always have to be the victim of every situations and to go through the most shitest things of every problems that can happen...

i could have made it this far..... but doesn't mean i could last forever........

I'm tired...*

I've given you time.. I've given you love.. I've given you trust.. but all I ever had in return was misery... I'm tired.. tired on holding to this hope that doesn't even know if it ever existed...

tired of crying in confusion.. tired of the pain that tears my life a part.. tired of telling myself everything is okay..

my heart cries when I see you... asking... when will this ever end.......

iStudio @ OC

Yupyup.. I've just started work there.. Everything seems pretty okay.. It's my first time working in retail line..Luckily I know quite a few things about iPhones and Macbooks which normally customers would ask..So, things isn't really that bad..

The only problem is I didn't really sleep for my first day of work and it kinda kills me after work when I went out to play L4D2.. I've never play game and keep having myself doze off before! Whenever I open my eyes, either I hit the wall in the game or I was attack by zombie and I'm just standing there lols.. The whole day I was in a daze, felt really lifeless and I can't even talk properly.. I'm not being myself at all.. I feel so bad =(

I tore my cheek!! o.0 (SAW inspired)

After Avatarize myself yesterday, with the awesomeness of photoshop.. I continue to play around with photoshop again.. This time, from my all time favorite movie, SAW..

The Reverse Bear Trap is one of my favorite trap in SAW.. Yes, It came back on SAW 6.. This time for the 'Badass' Detective Hoffman..

This 'Badass' is so determine to stay alive and I actually like it.. But well He still lose his cheek trying to escape from the trap.. His ripped cheek inspire me and I done a photoshop of it on myself ^^''

It looks pretty awesome to me!! xD.. muahhaha

Avatarize

Recently, I've watched Avatar in 3D.. Seriously I kinda like it and almost cried during the show..

I was just really curious how I'll look like as one of the Na'vi..

It took me sometime and here's the result... ^^''

I kinda overdone the eyes but overall, I loved it! =)

My Beliefs

I've been thinking recently about the belief of God & religions as it seems to be a quite an interesting topic to share and talk about.. I asked around a bit to understand and listen to their believes.. Seriously there's no right or wrong, is a personal belief, faith and commitment..

It's interesting of what I heard from people.. I don't think it's a subject to be put into an argument in fact to be open about it.. To accept other people's believe instead of shit talking..I'm not writing to criticize any Religions or Beliefs and I apologize if I offend anyone but if you are, than I think your not open enough to accept people's beliefs.. Here is my sharing of my thoughts and personal beliefs..

If your interested to know about some of my beliefs please continue reading...

Okies.. Here goes,

I personally do believe in an existence of the spirit of God but not totally.. But one is that I can't truly believe or understand is the Religions..

I've quoted someone having this saying "God is God. Organized religion is man's vision of God. As soon as you join one, you are buying into some other damned fools notion of God rather than God."

..and another reply from someone, "I have a strong belief in a 'God'.I do not believe in organized religion because religion is a creation of mankind, and is almost always hierarchical, and contains human flaws. Also, organized religion serves to separate people into groups who argue about their 'rightness'. This has been the foundation of a great many unholy wars."

Seriously, I do agree with what they say.. God is God and Religions and worshipping is man-made.. I maybe believe in God but not really to the extend of commitment and worshipping.. But who knows, I'm just not ready..

'Adam & Eve' or 'Evolution'? Evolution, I believe in sciences and evidence.. Seeing to believe instead of hearsay..

'Life after death' or ' Nothing' Well, I believe that Nothing gotta happen to us after we died.. Nahh.. nothing at all.. My personally theory is that the way we behave is inherit and control by your brain A.K.A yourself.. What your wants and needs is create by the environment around you..So when you die you just die together with your brain =)

Overall, I think I believe I'm an Agnostic.. People who are uncertain of the existence.. Cause seriously, I don't know either.. I couldn't consider myself as an Atheist cause Atheist don't believe in any existence of God.. So here's some personally beliefs I've shared with you guys or maybe just myself.. Anyway, this topic is very interesting and a bit sensitive, but my curiosity will never stop here to find out more.. ^^

Lastly here's a saying from my friend Justin to concludes the believe in Religions, which I totally agree..

"Religion is a guiding path in ones life.it may not be true,it may not be real but humans just need smth to get themselves feel secure.just like the past,how sun is to human." - Justin