I can't believe what's happening right now...

Why am I here...

It's the first time I stay with someone who  rather eat frozen vegetable than to have me cooking.. won't even eat out or in with me.. 

:O dumbfounded...

I've never felt so rejected in my life from this last two days 

I feel like a huge disappointment.

I tried my hardest.. But it was never good enough.

I'll never stop regretting... I'll never be happy...

I deserve to be alone...

I'm sorry...

I'm so tired of my life...

I'm so sick of this constant stress from people making me feel so negative about myself...

Whole year is like I'm running on a freaking guilt trip. 

Please stop all this...

I'm so sick of my life!!!

I always have people constantly putting me down!! Making me feel bad!! 

Stop!!

I just want to be happy and peaceful!!! 

I don't need people to remind me how fucking pathetic I am when I'm already feeling bad.

Don't say things you won't do! Don't leave me angry if you want to start an argument! Cause it just fucking makes me crazy and start doing stupid shit!! 

Nobody cares about how bad i feel anyway everyone is fucking selfish! Only there to make things worst when things are already bad!!!

Just fucking kill me already!! 

I'm just not good enough

I feel so low about myself.

I'm just not good enough for anyone ...

I look like shit, I'm unattractive and my life is pathetic.

I'm annoying and I cause so much harm to people.

I should be banish.

I shouldn't exists...

This one sided love...

I still wish that there is this little something in you that is still fighting for me...

cause right now I just feel so unimportant...

Everything is so different now..

When you look at him, he means the world to you.. but he fall asleep in front of you every time :(
Maybe he found me comforting or maybe his just not that interested in chatting with me anymore..

It's when time I set an alarm just to wake up to chat with him only to find him falling asleep on me. Which makes me feel like an idiot..

I find myself fighting and arguing inside me...
one side thinking ' he had a long day'
and another ' I wake up just for him and its so rude of him to fall asleep on me'

Everyday I just find myself fighting within me..fighting for him and myself...

I want to give him his chance...

But I feel so unappreciated...

I feel so lonely...

Headache

I don't know what to do anymore...

I feel my words are no longer powerful..

One point of time today I really miss him and I wrote him a text saying I miss him. It was totally ignore even when I ask about him. 

Being concern about him is making him fraustrated. I feel like my existent is his fraustration.. Sometimes his really nice but sometimes he just push me away and yell at me...

Should I learn to try to understand and accept to leave him alone...?

Cause right now I just feel like he doesn't want me in his life... It makes me feel like I'm nothing but annoying and when that happens he often shows no interest in what I say and do other things on his laptop.. He told me he needed me in his life but all I felt most is the opposite...

It's always hot and cold... 

It's making me very depress... His always pushing me away when I needed him the most... He said he won't hurt me anymore...

He said.... He said...

I should just kill myself...

I'm surprise I've been living on without money for a month with no money in my pocket. I've been waiting for my payday for so long so I can finally have some money today(28th) but no my company has to fuck me up saying they don't have my timing recorded in the system. Even if my managers send in my time sheet I might have to wait till next month 12th to get my pay!!!! So all my colleagues have no problem all happily got their pay but not me!!! It's so fucking unfair!!

My manager and leads advise me to get long pants for work which normally only available for full timers. Manager told me they will send an email to them so I can get them but I went to get it fit today it was too long and they say they can't alter it cause I'm a causal staff. 

What the fuck!! Just fucking kill me already!!

I'm so fucking sick of having to live in a constant disappointment!! Everything is so fucking unfair!!! 

It's scares me to know that I'll never love someone the same or even thinking about the ability to fall in love again... Everything I ever wish to do is to be with you...

keep having the chorus of ' the one that got away' in my head :(

I'm hopeless...

I've heard there are people who already got selected as a performer and I strongly believe I won't be anymore...

Why do they have to tease me like that...

Why does my life always filled with false hope and constant disappointment....

I'm so pathetic.... I was never good enough for anything! You deserve to die Claire... 

I'm still crazy about you...

I dreamt about you last night.. I was picking you up from work as a surprise and my heart was racing when I saw you..I felt so close to you :(

I will never forgive myself

I'm just a horrible person...

I deserve to die alone...

Please take my life away...

I couldn't stand feeling so scare of being sad and miserable anymore...

This time I realise that it has always been me! 

He will never speak to me again :( We will never meet only misery and me...

Why can't I just be a normal person with a normal life to able to be with someone I love ... Why do I have to ruin everything!! 

I'm fucking sick of you Claire! Go fucking die !!!

I didn't realise you did still read this blog even though I've not been using it for a long time...

Everyday I've been thinking to myself how can I ever move on or forget about someone who means so much to me(something you still didn't seem to understand) moreover someone who always came across my mind everyday..

I still wish for the day you would say 

"  I miss you and I want you back "

I still miss you I still think about you everyday. I'm just a call away

Don't give up.

I love you

I miss you so much...

I wish I be able to see you...

You were so perfectl I knew I didn't deserve you.........

My eyes... They hurts

I didn't know I miss you so much...

up till this day...

Just don't forget about me.....

I.....Im sorry... I..

It's just been a painful year......

I just keep losing people from my life....

Everyone just fucking disappeared....

Please... Don't go....

Sham and a lie

In good old times, remember my friend 

Moon was so bright and so close to us, sometimes 

We were still blind and deaf, what a bliss

Painting the world of our own, for our own eyes, now

Can we ever have what we had then? 

Friendship unbreakable 

Love means nothing to me 

Without blinking an eye 

I'd fade, if so needed, 

All those moments with you 

If I had you beside me

One cloudy day we both lost the game

We drifted so far and away 

Nothing is quite as cruel as a child 

Sometimes we break the unbreakable, sometimes

And we'll never have what we had then 

Friendship unbroken 

Love means nothing to me 

Without blinking an eye 

I'd fade, if so needed, 

All those moments with you 

If I had you beside me now

I was unable to cope with what you said 

Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind 

Child that I was, could not see the reason 

Feelings I had were but sham and a lie

I have never forgotten your smile 

Your eyes, oh, Shamandalie 

Times went by, many memories died 

I'm writing this down to ease my pain 

You saw us always clearer than me 

How we were never meant to be 

Love denied meant the friendship would die 

Now I have seen the light 

These memories make me cry 

Can I ever have what I had then? 

Friendship unbroken 

Love means nothing to me 

Without blinking an eye 

I'd fade, if so needed, 

All those moments with you 

See the world with my wide open eyes 

Friendship got broken 

There's no other for me 

Like the one of my childhood

Can you forgive me? 

Love got better off me, 

On that day back in old times...

Lately... Everyone seems to be against me... I find myself alone everywhere I go...
Even at work...

I don't know how much longer can I take this..... I feel like dying every night....
I want to be happy again..............

It's the weekend again........

Today I feel a strong vibe of stress and its getting me really depress...

It's eating right into me now...

It hurts...

I feel like crying for no reason...

I feel so alone...

I just wish to be hug from the back while I lie on my side on the bed..

To be caress.. And be whispered
" everything is going to be okay... "

I told myself, if I ignore it maybe it will go away...

I try to kept myself busy thinking about work. Though sometimes when I finish work and ready to head home, I was always scare that I've no plans and that when I get home I'll be lonely and resulting to think about you..

I guess the weekends are inevitable. That I'll have no work and having the whole day on my home in my room.. And now it come to a point that I miss you... Secretly wish you will speak to me...

I must be stupid.. Don't think you will ever read my blog..

Why can't you want me like the other boys do...? They stare at me while I stare at you.....

It's true I crave you...

But now your just somebody that I used to know...

It just couldn't get any worst...

Now, I even lost the only person left I can speak to which is Iain...
I've been honest with him and tell him all my problem since the day he let me in and listen to my problems while I was in Australia..

The thing about Iain and I is whenever we have an argument it will only get worst and out of topic. He will eventually then hang up on me leaving me devastated and hanging at the worst feeling...

I realise that it's really all my fault that Im just a horrible person like Iain said. I only bring the worst out of people. Why am I like that? Why is a question asking if his not interested to speak with me anymore and that I will understand and not bother him anymore will lead to a huge argument of nothingness.. Ending up having him angry at me for having a go a him, which what I really do is asking a simple understanding question?

It's hard enough.. everything that's been going on.. Having the feeling that people just give up on you makes me feel so... worthless and hopeless...

But I found out one thing... Is that I'll never wanna be with someone that just hang up on me or walk away...

Guess I'm going back to the days where I just have to cry myself to sleep every night... Please... I just wanna feel better..... I wanna be normal

When I've found you and we first met I was happy that I've met someone who can finally take away all my pain...
As when time past with you I've dreamt for being with you cause you can make me laugh and forget the pain.. You were special to me...

But you bought pain to my life again... Once again I'm been down to my lowest desperate self.. I feel hopeless and devastated.. Can't stop blaming and hating myself for everything.. I'll never be love for what I've become.....
I'll never move on cause life love giving me sick jokes... Many times i wonder whether life is worth living anymore as it has bought nothing but pain to me all the time....

I just want to be love and care... Which I could never get from anyone anywhere... I'm just myself... Forever alone

This world is too beautiful for me to live in....

I can't stand seeing those happy faces...

It's making me feel hopeless...

I'm already feeling the depression and loneliness few days before heading back home... Heading back to the true reality.

I guess this will numb me better when I get home.

I wish somewhere out there... There is still hope and happiness...

Please take away my misery...

This blog is my internal thoughts for you

It's funny that how hard I tried to move on.. I still miss you...

I wonder if you still reads my blog anymore

Dear Iain,

Days been tough without being in touch with you. You seems so distance I don't know if you found someone else since I've seen you on Asian dating...

I wish I would let you feel how sincere am I.. And I'm always has been truthful.. Never want to lie to you about anything.. It so difficult to live by knowing someone you love has a wrong impression and judgement of you...

How it be nice if we can be in good terms again as being a part from you just makes me think of you more each day that its eating inside me.. I'm so mad I can't get over you... You are part of my life and everything is so quiet now...

Please Iain... I really want you to know I still love you... Why can't you see I've changed and I wish you could see the new me :(

I miss you so much....

Not feeling so well again recently..

I've been feelin rejections again.. Neither is Iain want to speak with me as usual...

I feel stuck... It's been a lousy year so far ... I really wish I can get the cruise job I don't know what to do... I've great feelings that people with better experience will get the job over me

I'm so mad to be alone... Cause I can't stop wishing you were here with me every moment... Your presents will make everything so great.. I just wish you could be so much happier..

I mis you so much.. I still can't move on...

I feel like you didn't wanna speak with me anymore... You won't come online.. And when I did call and you do.. You would not reply all of a sudden and went offline when you did yesterday.. And the day before... What's wrong......

Just watched the impossible with you..

Very emotional I am.. Brings back a lot of memories while we were in Thailand..
Sigh.. It's a fun week being first time in Thailand.. Really miss those time we had...

The past crawls back at me again, the memories of us rushing through my head ... I've so much guilt inside me.. For I know I'm the person who changed you... But it's too late to have you back.... Too late to change everything....,

I would do anything to go back to 28th March 2011... When I first met you...

That was the happiest days of my life.....

Day by day I become more and more dreadful..

My colleague sent me a text today saying she just receive a email that she got selected for cabin crew...

I don't know why is she telling me.... Cause I'll definitely feel jealous.... I replied, oh... congrats...

Feel so useless now... I wish this year is a good year to start especially how painful last year was.. But first few days already have tons of rejections...... I still wishing I could get the cruise job...

Please... Just get me away from me...

Iain seems distance lately but I know he still would try to speak with me.. Sigh...
Feel like our connection is greatly fading... Really don't want that to happen.....

Pretty rejectful lately... Can't stop telling myself how everything just doesn't turn out good at all.....

Today I went to a cabin crew interview... They didn't bother to take my height they just say that I'm too short......

I also haven't heard from disney or any other cruise for sometime.....

I guess I won't be getting away anywhere anytime soon.....

Bound to stuck here with all the rejections and constant reminder of everyday that I will be alone and Iain is never gotta come back to me...I want to get away get a job that will take me away to start something fresh and exciting... Why is it as always has to be so torturous...I just wanna feel better bout myself for one......

.. Bitten by travel bug every single day.. Isn't making me feel any better either......
I just wanna forget about everything....