It's been awfully hard to get to you lately...
It's all my work timing sigh.. Whenever I try to get to you you be away or asleep.. Sucks ball...

I hard myself that after half a year I still can't get over you.. I would still sit quietly thinking how much I still wish you were mine and just can't get you out of my head... It's so hard....
Just wanna hold you again

I don't know how long we have or how far we go but I want to let you know that your the best thing that ever happen to me in my life and I'll always love you with my hand on my heart.. I know we might have our arguments and disagreement but I hope we learn to understand each other and be more patient with each other.. I'll always be nice to you , be there for you and always try my best to be in your shoes..

I miss us.. They time we ever had together the train trips and countries we been to.. And every time I think of our times together it brings me to tears.. How you would hug me and tell me you love me..how whenever I was mad and you will always sing to me and make me laugh again.. Awwwwh.. I'll never be angry with you like that lol
Still i wish you will ever love me again with your warm and generously love..with just a little care and attention you would make my day so well.

I'll do anything to relive our moments together till the day I first know you where you would write me a small note everyday and warms me up and make me happy.
I will even give up 5-10 years of my life just to relive our moments together and change what's is bad so it could be a perfect memory for you and I..

What is your best memory Iain?

I sincerely hope you feel better soon and we can see each other again.. Don't feel too bad about yourself.. Things will calm down and slowly gets better..

Love you lots like jelly tots

It seems like you've probably find someone to occupy your time and you probably feel much better now... I'll be happy for you ...........

I never been so stress and tired in my life...
I get this chest pain from work, bending over and carrying 20kg of luggage all the time.. I couldn't speak out cause my chest is exhausted...

Where are you Iain when I need you the most.. I can't stand all these I wish the end of world was real...
I just want you to come back and speak with me.. Have you forgotten me? You walked away with my happiness and your my happiness...
It means so little but so much to me now cause being able to speak to you seems to be the happiness i could get now.....
I'm so tired from I never thought it be so psychical and mental especially when your not around.. It's eating me away....

To Iain from Claire

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

I'm sick of losing every single fucking person I talk too!! Now my colleagues are boycotting me always leaving without me.. Today they all left the counter without telling me its okay to go.. I saw them missing and I call them a couple of times no one dare to pick up my call only until I speak with one of their mentor and said they already left.. I had it!! Fucking bunch of wimp its been like this the past 3 days.. Racist bitches!

Was really in a horrible mood yesterday..

I'm just so mad.. So mad that my arms ate itching everyday and im bit to shred...
so mad to see myself walking alone while others are paired up.. So mad that they've to talk about their bf whenever we sat down for lunch.. So mad that I can't just get away be a cabin crew so I don't have to come home in the same old room everyday wishing you were here... So mad that everything in my life you seems to be a part of it...... So mad that I woke up at 2am every morning to look at my phone wishing you were online to chat with me.... I hate it...

Wish you could understand everything I do so say.... Why has it got to be so hard..

Why can't you be nice to me again....

Stop disappearing...... I miss you

What would Christmas like this year might be one full of feelings for you...

I've a strong feeling I'll have to work and won't be celebrating with anyone or be anywhere...
Christmas sure is one of my favourite festival.. I always wish I could have a nice Christmas... as I never had a really good one...

Last year I spent Christmas with you. Though its not snowing and I didn't got a gift from you.. I still love to have you with me cuddling on the couch watch tv and have your mum's lovely cooked spread..

I wish I could turn back time and redo everything I've done.. Cause I've changed now but it's too late... You will never want to see the changed me and I'll always be the worst person in your life........

This year Christmas.. I wish you be happier and get well.. And that I'll see you again soon..

As for my birthday in march... It will be the same...

You are an important person in my life now... And everything that I do your always seems to be part of it well... That's what I wish...

I know things will be so much nicer if we stay close to each other... But we don't have such luck.. We were challenged and I'm fighting it to see you as much as I can... As long as I'm working as long as I'm fighting... I'll do my best to see you and your smile again...

I miss you... Especially the you when we will just stay in bed and play poker with chips or cuddle me from the back and ask me where would I like to go today..................................................

It will never happen again isit................

I'm sad I've don't have you to speak with me anymore..... Can't share my problems with you and I'm all alone :( can't see your face again... Have you gave up on me,,,?

I can't believe after so long together you just choose to disappear from my life ... I love you you know? And you just left me with a heart that's full of you....

I miss you so much... Please come back....

I don't know what happen I don't know why you disappear...

I'm so worried.... Sick...

I can't concentrate on work anymore.. I'll be constantly checking my phone and Skype if you come online...

Please Iain speak with me again I'm so worried what happen to you....

I miss you so much :((

Please come back on Skype....

It's been worst the distance between us.. It makes me wanna cry.. But I was just using work to distract myself .. I would rather be dreaming that I still have you....not sure what happen last night in the middle of the show.. I said I'll go to the toilet and next thing when I back you were offline and when I call your mum says your asleep...

Are you getting sick of me?
Sigh... There's so much we've done together please don't let this be over... Just like that........ I really wanna see you again Iain...
Tell me what can I do to have to back again.... I miss you so much........

You mean so much to me... I tried to text you constantly today when your online but you just ignore me.......... What have I done.......

The last few days when you were missing and that you were back I didn't moan or scold you and I learning how to understand how you feel and kept myself from asking too much question and let it be... But it's seems like that you just have it worst...!

I don't know what to do Iain.... Please don't go away.......

Your hiding from me again.....

All I know is that all of a sudden you just disappear in my life... When the last time we spoke was so well and normal.. And you just disappear......

How long you wanna keep going on like this.. Disappearing and reappearing in my life missing and worrying about you....
I can't even sleep well at night and I've bad dreams about you....

I hate you for what you've been putting me through.....

Why can't you just keep to what you say.....

What happen to making me happy........

Why do I've to go through this everyday......... Thinking whether you will speak to me or be angry with me worrying that you won't love me again....

It's so tormenting and tiring...... Why can't I have a loving relationship with you like anyone else why do I have to be alone and go through all this you have to give to me.......

I don't expect you to be here but at least be nice to me an stop disappearing............

I just want to be happy

Where have you gone?

When I got home your were offline when my phone come to life again. It was my off day and I wanna spend more time with you. Was looking forward to watch idiot abroad with you but you weren't online for so long... I called but your mum said your probably asleep.. I stayed up till 3am wake up at 6am and even 9am to see if your awake and online but you weren't...... Guess you went out instead.. Though you said you went out the day before so you won't be going out again today.... Sigh...
So hard to get to you now a days even especially my off day when I thought I could spend more time.........
Sigh I'm losing you.....

It hasn't been any better, Iain and I..

I've been busy with work and we don't get to chat much.. Most of the time he be too tired and grumpy..

I'm really worried ill lose him :/

I really wish he could visit me this coming Chinese New Year and I might wanna even join him back to UK...
Taking charge of flights everyday kinda give me the feeling of flying too especially couples goes on for holiday makes me feel more lonely each day.. I've never fly with anyone before and it's always by myself...

Really wanna do it with you..

Please don't forget me Iain...

I miss you so much

Feel lousy every time I got you in a bad mood. Just like every other day. And yes you will go like what the fuck are you moaning about all sounding angry with me , I really felt that anger and hate.

It's shit I can't make you feel better but angrier each time... Even if I try to ask you what happen or how you been doing what have you done to maybe distract your mood a little but it never works.. Only ending myself with a big scolding by you that I'm trying to catch you out and complaining to you when I want to share some things that been happening at work..

As always I cried cause I hate to hear to angry and your mad at me for nothing. Not a very good day to start work like every morning :/

It's so hard to see you happy :( it's rare...
and it's not easy to handle an angry person which you love..

Like I care and worried every time and get push away feeling rejected.. You never wanna understand how I feel.. Cause your too much to have yourself and you never care bout what other people feels.. But I guess it's my choice that I love you and I've I chose to handle all this one sided love... Sigh....

Hope work distract me today. I wish I could sleep... Just quietly next to you to feel your presence

Wish you feel better soon.. And be strong so you can fight this horrible feeling every time you cut down

I see that you been on asiandating lately..

Maybe your not mad...

Your just bored of me.... And found someone esle to talk to..

No wonder the distance... No wonder the rush.. Cause you just can't wait to talk to them.. I was right...

I just hate myself that I'm not good enough...

Dear Iain,

I've not sure what happen lately.. But I've felt so distance from you. Especially today. You were so mad at me when I ask you why are you so different lately.. I getting lesser chance to speak with you and I'm worried. You may be in a bad mood I don't know. I feel things are back to where it was, you being angry at me and all. It's so difficult to please you.. I thought a week ago things were great. I was so happy that you finally see my effort. We were normal and you sounded happy again. It just melts my heart when you told me you just wanna make me happy. But as I thought its gotta be that all these wont last.. It was just a mere 3 days of an excellent happy you I could ever ask for and then you turn back to your nasty gloomy hot tempered self. Willing to hang up the call on me which you know I hate the most.
I realise is after when you went to kan and your doctor. You seems to be mad, I'm not sure is it cause your running out and you felt that they ain't there to help you that you feel helpless.

Whatever it is Iain, I'll always be here for you. And I want you to know that very clear that I care a lot about you. I ain't selfish, it's just that I really want you :( I wish I can make you feel a lot better I wish I can take your depression away. I wish I could hug you right now and you be happy. I'm worried about your being that's why I ask. I don't mean to make you feel like your being controlled. I'm not even trying to control you.

I miss you very much Iain.. Very very much.. And my work ain't helping me to have more chance to speak with you.. I don't know how long more till you be speaking with me again.. I'm really sad and worried now... I wish you will feel better soon....

.... Iain...

I do love you....

Claire

I can't describe myself how much I feel for you recently...
Everyday I looked forward to seeing you again in a few months.. And everything was great.. But I fail to keep in touch with you as much as I want... I kept saying I'll take a nap but I ended up sleeping...

I wish you understand I was really tired recently.. Not the less I still look forward to speak with you everyday after work.. Especially today when I'm off from work I try to get you but I couldn't.. I ring you up but you went out....

No, I never expect you to come home early or even at all.. I blame myself for it cause you must have been tired waiting for me... But I want you to know that you've always been what I've look forward to.. And it's scary how a day will be like without you online... It's scaring me now and I'm all upset.... I really scare of losing you... As you said you were special to me... You really are Iain.. and I'm so scare of losing you just because I didn't take enough time for you....

I really dream about seeing you again everyday.. And I want you to be mine again... You still may not believe that I'm waiting but as long as I'm still waiting for you online I'm still waiting to be with you again...

I miss you so much... I just wanna hear you again...

I felt so regretful that I never make enough time to speak with you..

You must have felt the distance and got mad..

I can't help myself from feeling tired after work and whenever I told myself to take a short nap I'll end up sleeping...

I miss you so much Iain :(

I'm so sorry... I wish you will speak with me again

I had a feeling you were nice to me just cause you feel bad that your looking for someone else...

I feel horrible....

How can I ever forget about you when we share so much things together and now your looking for someone else....

How can I shake this off my head.....

I'm so jealous that I tried so hard, I couldn't get you back...........

Why are you doing this to me....

I burst into tears when you say those words...

I felt like I meant nothing to you..

So much fear.. I'm trembling..

I can't take this....

Why can't we be nicer to each other ?

Why can't you see the new me?

Why can't you love me.......

It's been torning me since day one that I want to win your attention or the slightest fondness...

I just can't stop feeling so bad about myself.. Just ugly and unattractive....

I want to be back with you.. I've still be waiting... I just wish you will like me again..........

I can't stop feeling lonely..... That it be even worst that you would've leave me for another girl....

Why can't I helped you? Why can't I make you happy?

I just can't stop being so selfish..

I promise I will not be insure I would learn....

I miss you so much....

I really wanna see you again...
I hope you do too...

February/March

I hate the feeling that I'm no longer yours. And I can't have you just for me anymore...

I've been hesitant to speak with you often now, cause I kept thinking that one day you will sleep with someone and it will totally depress me......

I hate this friendship... A friendship of nothingness but constant feeling of rejections...... I don't want to be just a friend.......

Why do I have to be blame for everything... You always like to shout at me just because I wanted you to continue what you saying as you always don't complete your sentence..........

You know I always wanted to be yours and be with you again...... It will be too devastating for me if you were to be with another girl......

I dare not walk away as I want you so bad...... But maybe if its like true blood, you say ' as your maker, I release you '
And I'll forever be gone from your life........ :(

Why were you so cold... Hiding away all your emotion... I know when I met you.. You were this bright happy guy.. So caring so loving and wants the best for me.. For both of us..

Where have you gone...........

All along I've been waiting...

I've been hopeful...

That one day I'll be able to win your heart again...

I failed... So bad...

I'm sick of hearing about the boyfriends of my colleagues everyday, I'm sick of seeing them being picked up by their bf... I'm sick of lying to them that I have a boyfriend when the fact is I'm all alone pretending to be happy. So I could live a less miserable life.

All these have eaten into me everyday.. Making me feel more and more lonely... So is every time I hang up my call with you I felt so rejected..
I thought if I could act as if I'm normal we'll get well together again and you will give me a chance again... I hold on my tears cause you hated them I silence myself about my feelings cause your avoiding them.. I do what I can... To make you less stress about with me so you be comfortable with me again...

I love how you would still chat with me and we watch movies together.. Acting like we were couple again.. But just so deep down inside I'm felt horrible knowing we're not together and you couldnt care less about me...

I'll never make you feel how I felt for you.. You may hear or seen it so many times but you never understand that all of this were truth and its my true feelings for you... So please don't tell me that it's because our distance........

I put up pictures of us in my Facebook so you maybe would go back and look how much I miss us being together in those places happily.....

I miss you so much Iain........

I wish all of this is just a big argument and that at the end of the day you will say your sorry and you love me.............................

And I wish you would understand my love for you and that I'm waiting for you......

Wait for you to say you'll love me again.....

Your the best thing that ever happen to me.... Don't go....

This battle is difficult... I always felt like I'm losing...

A lot of times in the night I felt so cold and lonely that I wish I could vanish into the air..

Every night is just episode of me crying with a heartache wondering when were you be mine and that I'll be love by you again

It was an awkward night last night.. My colleagues wanted to sit around and have coffee after class.. So bout 7 of us took the bus to Tampines.. 2 of them parted and decided to go home upon reaching tampines.

In the end a colleague is meeting up her bf at coffee bean and another is on his way there .. In the end I've to sit with 3 couples talking about their engagement and their upcoming marriage... I just kept quiet at a corner to listen.. Feeling abit regretful that I should have gone home like the rest... One of them even ask me if I've ever had bf :/

Wish you were here...

These few days I just feel rejected.. Not sure exactly cause I'm going through the time of the month.. But I've been crying everyday for the pass 3days..

I felt a strong feeling of rejection a feeling like no one wants to speak with me or even likes me..it's a cold feeling..

I'm really hopeful that Iain and I would get better.. Or that he sounds that he wants to speak with me when I call.. Sigh... He didn't know he powers up my day.. I don't know how can I make him feel that this relationship is not over and we can still be together again...

He never fails to depress me every time when I say I miss him but he just say ok.. How I wish he could like me again... I still wanna hug him and hold his hands... I feel so lost and I just wanna cry all the time :(

It's been lonely as usual..

Why did I lie...? Why did I lie and tell them your my boyfriend when your not anymore.. Was it cause I can't face the fact that I've lost you.. that your no longer the person I could happily show our photos to happily...

A group of us sitting in a mini van, happily chatting talking about their boyfriend or fiancée.. I was told to show them a picture of my boyfriend.. I didn't say I don't have one but I show them a picture of us..
I felt good and proud for showing them a nice picture of us like how I always felt when I show it to my relatives..
Moments later.. Reality hits that you were no longer mine....and what I put up was just a lie a lie to make myself feel happy for a minute...
I've been missing you more ever since especially when I've lesser time to speak with you now...

Stupid.... I cried on my way home again today..

I just wish to be yours again...

I still love you....

Sometimes there's no point talking yourself out when your being accuse all the time... It makes me so mad that I'm so sick and that I wish I can turn into the bad person you think I am, so you be satisfy

Are your drunken words are just drunken lies?

I've been really emotional today.. Being at orientation watching a video or just lying in bed listening to iain.. I've this sudden urge to cry...

Now as I looking through my Facebook pictures... of us.. Kept me thinking.. Will I ever wanna move on from these most beautiful memories I've ever had...

I'm still not over you no... Thinking about you next to me while we watch the show together.. My arms around your warm body as you breathe in and out..

I always wonder do you ever miss me...
A lot of times I wish you were my bf still as I'm so proud of having you .. It's seems like my happiest

I never consider myself having a family.. It's a wreck.. I never felt close to anyone and none of them I will turn to if I've problems...
My mum will have a go at me whenever she comes home.. Nagging about how her business wasn't good blaming me for everything and accusing me for taking her money every time,when I never even sleep in the same room as her( my brother shares the same room with her) she always asking me for money when really I always can't afford to give her cause I know I won't have enough for myself at the end of the day. So sometimes it's tough cause then she won't help me either.

My brother is the abusive kind.. He used to beat me up all the time just cause its too eye soring to see me at home most of the days.. Recently I've learnt to be out of his sight out if his way so he won't ever have the chance to have a go at me...

My sister is the most selfish of all... She never really care about what happening at home.. When she still live with us, she and my brother in law will lock themselves in the room. Now their married and moved out they only come once a week if my mum cooks for 2-3 hours and pat her ass and go home. It's really rare for her to invite us to her house for dinner or what so ever.. She's alway have movie nights and whatever party at her house with their friends..

Sometimes it feels awkward being with them... Cause we're not truthy close cause nobody cares.. It felt as if when I was born I was told to call them my family when really there isn't any affection... I really wanna move out of here.. Far far away from Singapore...
I don't miss anyone in Singapore one bit.. Not even when I left to uk for 2 months....

Not being at work for so long must have me rotting day by day... I've been doing this waiting game for this job for almost a month now. It's getting a bit irritating... I've to wait two more weeks before my official induction...

Being off work having so much time on hand makes me think a lot... not really in a good way..
Plenty of times I felt cold and lonely.. looking at the other side of my bed wishing you were here..
wouldn't it be so nice to wake up having you next to me.. sigh..

I always remember to say I miss you before when you get too tired and we hang up.. yet I always hope for you to say you do miss me too... I'll still do as long as till i wont be able to speak with you again one day..
It's hard every time we hang up I've this thought that one day you will move on with another girl.. and there will no longer be anymore of our daily chat and movie sessions...

will there ever be a  day you will say you love me again... or even waking up to see you next to me...

Ive been feeling so cold from society lately...

Feel like a total outcast...

Things ain't well with Iain either... I thought he was still fond of me or things between us got better.. Guess i was wrong and just lying to myself that things were good again..

Saddens me all the time to hear him being mad and that he couldn't careless or care bout me..
It breaks my heart and feel how tired am I trying for this friendship/relationship but it will never seems to be better...

Everyday is just being stress and people nagging at me ....
It's never one day I was actually happy.. It's kinda getting harder and harder to handle... Just so cold....

I don't know why everyone is just mad at me lately for no fucking reason...

I don't know what's going on and I feel like shit......

Im fucking pissed with everything's going!! Fucking hate everyone!!!

Especially you Iain! Your constantly never ending angry spree on me! Im so fucking sick of everything and everyone cause no body gives a shit and family just pushing chores to me and blame me for every single thing..

Iain you know you mean the whole to me.. and the only person now I've could be with comfortably and talk things about... You just constantly turn your back on me.... Maybe you are better off without me... Maybe im just a burden a cancer cell or a black sheep..I don't care...
All I know is I still care a lot about you and I still wanna see you again in the future..every I'm still look forward to speak with you like its a daily routine....

I miss you a lot...

He still does know how much he means to me... I'm broken beyond words.

Whenever his mad he would shout at me and swear at me as if everything was my fault... I just want to start a conversation and chat but it seems like I'm in his way.......

I don't know how long till I'll ever speak to him again....... just so heartbroken.. From the moment I woke up today.. I wish you were here........ I miss you

Last year of these days... I was so much happier...

Happier to have you around.. Happy to go to work can looking forward to see you...

Now that even its the same job as before. I hated it.. I hated every moment I've to think about it..

Lying in my empty bed.. Missing you..

Thinking of how would it be like if we ever meet again..

Will you continue to hold my hand?
Will you ever feel the same way for me again :(

will you still continue to give me that chance?

guess I've to sleep with this question tonight :'(

Every night when I think about you and cry in my bed...

I wish you would hug me from the front and kiss me on my forehead saying everything is ok...

Cause I miss you so...

Really really not been easy lately...

Just feel very difficult... Did he really love me still...? Did he really miss me..?

So scare and lonely... Wish whatever he said was true... I want to see him again so much.... It's breaks my heart knowing his back on dating site looking for girls again.............

Today I realise I never been so afraid of the crowd.. I literally had episodes of mini panic attack.. Hands swearing trying to squeeze my arm constantly.....couldnt think straight nor just trying to catch my breath ....

Just thinking of you.......

It just can't get any worst...

Recently Iain has been all paranoid and anger at me... I don't know what happen..
I thought I was looking forward to speak with him again when I bought him a headphone... Yesterday he got mad at me for lying which it doesn't happen in the first place.. Now today he just delete me off his Skype and Facebook... Really....?
In the beginning I thought we were friends... Even though it's hard already for me for us to be just friends... Now he choose to delete me away... He wants to forget me..........

Not so good lately...

I find the more I'm around people the more lonely I felt... I cried in the train home.. I felt so sad and lonely about everything.. I just wish things would be better again... I can't bring myself up just feel like a walking zombie.. Making myself forget everything temporary while I'm at work and everything hits me when I'm off work.. I miss you :(

Plenty of things...

I'm having a rough idea of redesigning my room. Change my bed and get a new colour for my wall..

I wish you were here and staying together with me in this room like how we used to be... I miss you...

A picture of you in Ichiban sushi, when you picked me up from work and we went to dhoby ghuat and bought yourself a fighting fish..

How I miss seeing you standing across me in the bus interchange when I alight the bus... Will ever be anyone who would ever replace you.....

It's still been so rough...

I realises everyday I'm forcing myself to act normal and not to think about it.. But everyday I just can't stop thinking about him thinking bout how his doing... I called yesterday and his mum said his busy.. I suppose he didn't wanna speak with me..It's almost close to a week now that he got mad at me and ask me to leave him alone.. I don't know will I ever speak to him again...
I'm still crying almost everyday missing him.. He just don't know how much he means to me and his not a person who is easily replaceable.
I just had a long weekend from work and it's been very unproductive... Just staying at home.. In the empty room... My auntie visited and she was told by my mum what happen.. She ask me out of my room but I was reluctant.. She told me I look soulless and I couldn't even speak up.. I always try not to talk about things having to do with our relationship cause it will upsets me all the time.. Even just looking at a white person in a train gives me a big heartache...

I'm glad he got what he want now...the life he wants and never have to go through any heartache or post relationship depression. I wish I was as cold and heartless like him... Sigh... I don't know how long it's gotta last but it's been very very lonely... I really can't move on without feeling upset or thinking about him...

Not sure if he will speak with me again or ever think about me... Don't think he be watching my blog anymore.. But
I truly miss him and I'm still longing for him...

I still love you a lot Iain... more than you ever know...

Loneliness

I always wake up trying to look up your blog if you have any update or you get your account back... But everyday is just nothingness waiting for you to come on Skype.
Everyday when I sit in the living room the cold night breeze wind just reminds me of you and how loneliness I am.. Where are you...? Have you found someone esle?

Don't think you will ever speak to me again

I don't know how was your account. Don't know what you will be doing.. Maybe your back to your old habits maybe your just depress.. I love to help you with your bankroll.. Since I'm working now.. I love to see how your forcus in something that you like and make a challenge to your everyday life... Now someone just ruin it.. But I wanna make you feel better... Sigh... Again you just ask me to leave you alone.. Doing what you do best... Ignore

I still love you and I ain't afraid to show it

I guess I was stupid to be too hopeful for him.. Just as I thought things gets better but it goes to the worst..

Isn't all my post obvious enough about my longing for him? :( why do he has to accuse me all the time for the wrong reason..
It breaks my heart cause I love him but he speaks so negative of me still. Even today as a broken up couple... If he doesn't care why be mad me...
And whether his mad at me I won't be able to sleep well furthermore I don't think I would have a good day at work tomorrow... It will be horrible it will be horrible for a long long time.......

I was happy for once he was so eager to speak with me that he want to talk to me bout something hopefully his feelings... But he just came to accuse me to hacking his poker account...

What have I done? I told you everything but you won't believe me............. Saying I'm lying but all I wanted was to protect you... I don't want that girl to disturb you and take you away from me...............

Why can't you just see that I love you so much.........I want you back :(
But no you wanna do what you do best.... Ignoring me........

First day of work yesterday was a survival of being awake. By the end of the day when I finally sleep I was awake for 30hrs beat my personal highscore. Welcome from my previous colleagues was okay they wasn't looking anymore excited or happy. Still feel bit lonely sometime as I don't feel totally merge in yet. Rather awkward.

Iain also text me on Skype saying he stay up to watch true blood. As usual I told him I missed him he didn't reply anything. But he did say he will pop on once a while. He left Facebook as well which also I felt Facebook is becoming more and more meaningless. I suppose the trend in dying and so are we. Feeling more and more distance from him each day. All I see was just a picture of us lying beside my pillow.

I'm feeling isolated by society day by day, growing cold, really cold...

Watch two movies on YouTube today. Surprisingly YouTube now has full movies to watch. I watched 'Bagdad Cafe' & ' Chronicles of Narnia'
I like how english films are very scenic with nice soundtracks like ' Narnia'

Can't sleep still and not eaten since I'm awake. Playing DotA always give me very sharp shoulder ache don't know why...
I dont know how work is going to be like. I'm very very nervous. Normally you will be here to cheer me up and tell me that it be great. Saying good luck to me. Sigh...

Still missing you.. Wish you feel the same way too...

I broke down again.....
It's not easy when you have a whole phone full of photos more than anything else..

I just can't help thinking bout the nice things we do and the things he say.. Even back then we were arguing so much he will come online and speak with me the next day and things will be good again and he will say he love me and continue to be me...
Now it's never gotta happen again... :(
I wish all these is just temporary.. I don't wanna stop being with you :(
Wish we could go back like it used to be...

What have I done...

Trying a hairdo & messing with instagram

Not sure is a mistake to have let him saw all the entries. Felt stupid as he immediately turn cold and speechless.. Sigh..
Every time when I speak to him I feel scare. I wish we can speak more.
I don't know what to do..
Once in a while I'll always look into Skype. What's wrong with me...
I wish he can tell me how he still feel about me...Cause I know he still cares when he come on Skype.

I better be ready myself for work on Monday.

The search has end

I was force to help up my mum today and barely sleep for 2 hrs. I got a call this evening that my ex supervisor from Sentosa ask me back to work. Of cause that send me a relief that my search and empty waits are gone. Then again my supervisor actually go through a lot of persuasion to have me back in the team. He told me he just have a very strong feeling that I would make it this time. To be honest I'm kinda worried, I don't wanna let him down. Not when he done so much persuasion and putting his reputation at risk. Now I am really stress! I should be starting work soon either this week or next.

It's a pity how much I miss seeing Iain standing at the bus stop waiting for me when I finishes work :( I really miss him.. I still think about him right this moment. Silently waiting for him to call me and say he miss me.. just so heartbroken :(

The painful end of every beautiful story

I almost forgotten about this blog till Iain ask me which is the best to blog in.

Now it's almost a year...

So much beautiful memories took place and so are the bad ones.
Here today, Iain have left me. We broke up after being together for 14months. It was the longest relationship I have, the most amazing and the most painful.

I'm heartbroken and disintegrating at best.

I gave up all I have, no longer have my fortunate life of having PS3, MacBook, a decent job and a loving relationship.
I felt that my whole life was taken away from me especially the one I love the most. It always has to be this cruel isn't it...
Everyday I feel pathetic at best.

Whatever that is happening now, I've told myself plenty of times when things get down and crushing me. "Iain, look what you have brought me into."
Somehow deep in my heart I wish you could appreciate me more than left me at my most vulnerable period.

No matter the situation I have now or of how much pain he put me through...I still can't stop thinking about him, how I miss him, how much I love to see him again and being together..How much I wish you will take me back into your arms and say to me..
I love you, Claire...